IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some believe that modern technology is increasing the gap between rich and poor people, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is no denying the fact that teaching
children
Use synonyms
 to behave appropriately and to become good members of
society
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 is a great responsibility.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for teaching kids how to be good members of
society
Use synonyms
, there is
also
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 an argument that should guide
children
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.
This
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 essay will analyse the topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand,
parents
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 have a substantial influence on a child's life. From infancy,
children
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 learn by observing and imitating their
parents
Use synonyms
' behaviours and attitudes.
In other words
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,
parents
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 have the opportunity to model empathy, respect, and responsibility for being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of
society
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.
For example
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, through everyday interactions,
such
Linking Words
 as resolving conflicts peacefully or demonstrating kindness towards others.
In addition
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,
parents
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 can impart invaluable lessons that shape their
children
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's character.
For instance
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, the familial environment provides a unique setting for discussions about values, ethics, and social responsibilities, allowing
children
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 to develop a deep understanding of their role within the community.
On the other hand
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, the influence of
parents
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 alone may be limited, especially as
children
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 grow older and begin to spend more time outside the home.
This
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 is where
schools
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 play a crucial role. It is possible to say that
schools
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 serve as microcosms of
society
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. To illustrate,
schools
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 offer a structured environment where students can practice essential social skills and navigate ethical dilemmas under the guidance of educators.
For example
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, provide students with opportunities to interact with peers from diverse backgrounds and engage in communal activities.
Furthermore
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, teachers, through their mentorship, reinforce the values instilled by
parents
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 and help students develop a sense of accountability and empathy towards others.
Schools
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,
for example
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, provide a platform for discussing complex social issues and encouraging critical thinking.   In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that both
parents
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 and school have a crucial role in teaching
children
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. Both of them can affect a child's personality in some way, so they should collaborate with each other to ensure that young people become good future citizens of their country.

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task achievement
Ensure a clear stance or opinion is presented in the introduction to immediately guide the reader. While your conclusion does a great job of highlighting your opinion, incorporating it earlier can significantly enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, try to more explicitly link your main points back to the question throughout the essay. Signposting language, such as 'this illustrates that...', can help achieve this.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking words and cohesive devices. While you've made good use, varying these more can help to demonstrate your linguistic range and make your argument flow more naturally.
task achievement
Introduce a counter-argument to showcase your ability to engage with multiple perspectives. This not only demonstrates your understanding of the complexity of the issue but also enhances your essay's depth.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • inequality
  • disparity
  • modern technology
  • automation
  • artificial intelligence
  • job market
  • infrastructure
  • accessibility
  • economic growth
  • entrepreneurship
  • social initiatives
  • disadvantaged communities
  • opportunities
  • prosperity
  • digital divide
  • resource allocation
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