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Band 4.5

Some people think that children should study formal learning at school as young as possible. Others believe they should not go to school until they are at least 7. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #study #school
Nowadays,
parents
 let
theit chinldren
Correct your spelling
their children
 go to school as young as possible as the number of double-income
family
Change to a plural noun
families
show examples
 is increasing. There is an ongoing issue regarding the proper time to go
education
Change preposition
to education
show examples
 facilities
such
 as
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
kindergartens
 or academies. Some people assert that
education
 before 7 years old is too early for
children
.
Education
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 have detrimental effects on
children
 by making less bond between
parents
 and kids. The
children
 who go to
kindergardens
Correct your spelling
kindergartens
kindergarten
 or the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 which
taking
Wrong verb form
takes
show examples
 care of them are used to
more close
Replace the words
closer
show examples
 to teachers than their
parents
. A study by National Tsing Hua University
suggest
Change the verb form
suggests
show examples
 the time when they are 1 to 6 years old is
imperative
Correct article usage
an imperative
show examples
 period to form
fellowship
Add an article
a fellowship
show examples
 with
parents
.
Moreover
, some
parents
 think it is not reliable to leave their
kides
Correct your spelling
kids
 because
parents
 can not monitor their
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
 constantly.
On the other hand
, some people presume that
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
 is helpful
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
 their
socializing
Replace the word
social
show examples
 skills and
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
show examples
 their
sense
Fix the agreement mistake
senses
show examples
 variously. They can talk with more people in
kindergarden
Correct your spelling
kindergarten
 than when they are at home and teachers help them learn various words.
Thus
, it would be helpful to prepare before attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
primary
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Furthermore
, the teachers are professional so they already know how to look after and teach them. I agree that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
informal
education
 facilities have a lot of ideal effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
. It is true with the fact that they can enjoy more various activities when they attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
informal learning academies. In conclusion, I believe that the additional academics for kids have numerous benefits.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it would cause
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of bond with
parents
, the
parents
 can more concentrate on their jobs.
Submitted by heoeunsae on

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Task Achievement
Start by providing a clearer introduction to the topic. The introduction should clearly present the two views and your stance on the issue.
Task Achievement
Develop each argument with more specific and relevant examples. This strengthens your points and makes the essay more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay follows a logical structure. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, and this idea should be clearly stated in the first sentence of the paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use linking words and phrases (e.g., however, in addition, therefore) to better connect your ideas and enhance the flow of the essay.
General Advice
Proofread your essay to correct spelling and grammar mistakes. Simple errors can detract significantly from the quality of your writing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to conclude your essay by summarizing the main points discussed and reiterating your own perspective, providing a clear, succinct ending to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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