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Band 4.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
The majority of
people
 believe that working hard and determining are helpful to life,
while
 others say that it is more significant issues like
money
 and physical
appearance
.
This
 writer is of the opinion that the former choice is the option. The reason why I agree with the former choice is that hard
work
 or determination can overcome arduous challenges.
This
 is true because,
people
 who
work
 determinedly can create motivation for
work
 every day, thereby working in a comfortable and confident mood.
Consequently
,
this
 helps them be steadfast when facing difficult decisions and increases efficiency in
work
 so
success
 in life will come.
For example
, all over the world
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
many billionaires achieve
success
 because they have determination and
work
 hard non-stop. Another point worth considering is that having
money
 and possessing a beautiful
appearance
 can bring benefits for the future. The reason is that when
people
 who have
money
 or
appearance
 can make a first impression on others, cooperate based on each other's interests.
As a result
, many beneficial conditions will be given and bring wealth and
success
 in life.
Besides
,
success
 will easily collapse if
people
 no longer have any useful value. In conclusion, having
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
 and
appearance
 has a variety of benefits
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 human can cooperate and help each other based on their conditions.
Hence
,
this
 essay has clearly demonstrated that the right to support working determinedly is important.

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task achievement
Focus on developing a clearer introduction and conclusion. Your opening should provide a brief overview of the differing views on the topic and introduce your stance. Your conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points and reiterate your viewpoint.
task achievement
Improve specificity and relevance of examples. While you mention billionaires' success due to hard work, providing a specific example with details would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Clarify and expand upon your points. Certain sentences are confusing or lack detailed explanation. Clearer and more comprehensive development of your ideas will make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Organize paragraphs logically and ensure a smooth flow of ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and the sentences should connect logically to support that idea.
coherence cohesion
Use linking phrases more effectively to improve cohesion between sentences and paragraphs. This helps guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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