Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many individuals dispute that hard work and desire to lead to
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
,
however
, some
people
think that having
money
and
apprearance
Correct your spelling
appearance
can
suceed
Correct your spelling
succeed
in
life
. In my point of view, I support the idea that hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
and determination can lead to
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
. The main
factor
Correct pronoun usage
that make
show examples
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
become
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
is
people
need to become more
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
in
life
due to
practicing
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practising
show examples
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
other subject
Change the wording
another subject
other subjects
show examples
can help you to become more professional in your field. Not only hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
in
life
but
also
human
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
need to be more
determination
Replace the word
determined
show examples
or desire because it will improve our mind to become more active and we can have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
strong thinking to deal with
challenge
Change the form of the verb
challenges
show examples
.
This
factor
can help
people
to succeed in
life
more when the rivalry of getting
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
in the modern day is
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
serious. Being hard working is a good character to increase the percentage of
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
in
life
because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
being hard working is helping us to gain more
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
to update our
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
day by day.
On the other hand
,
money
and
apprearance
Correct your spelling
appearance
also
have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
important impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the scale of
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
.
Due to having
Change preposition
Having
show examples
money
is a good way to improve the quality of soft
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
which
helping
Wrong verb form
helps
show examples
people
's job
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
a lot. None of
company
Add an article
the company
show examples
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
someone who
don't
Change the verb form
doesn't
show examples
have any special ability to work for them.
Therefore
. having
money
and appearance can help
people
to find
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
more easily and easier to become
sucess
Correct your spelling
successful
in the future.
To conclude
, the main
factor
that
helping
Change the form of the verb
helps
show examples
people
to become
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
is
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
need to
be
Verb problem
do
show examples
more hard work and desire in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
.
This
factor
will
have
Verb problem
cause
show examples
people
to become more
confidence
Replace the word
confident
show examples
and
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
enough knowledge so they can become
sucess
Correct your spelling
successful
.

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more clearly. The text could benefit from clearer paragraphing and use of linking phrases to better guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to introduce more variety in your sentence structures for added clarity and to better demonstrate your English language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint, reinforcing the argument you've made.
task achievement
Expand upon your main points with specific examples. This will help to make your arguments more persuasive and grounded in reality, improving task achievement.
task achievement
Correct frequently occurring grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'sucess' should be 'success', 'apprrearance' should be 'appearance') to improve readability and accuracy.
task achievement
Consider exploring the complexity of the essay topic by acknowledging potential counterarguments or nuances in your opinion. This can enrich your argument and demonstrate deeper critical thinking.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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