IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum . To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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In the contemporary world ,
rapid
Correct article usage
a rapid
show examples
 increase in the number of overweight individuals causes
health
 care
experiencing
Change the verb form
to experience
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 severe obstacles
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 solving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health
 problems. In the meantime , a group of people believe that the best solution to
this
 problem is adding more physical education lessons
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the current curriculum. I completely agree with
this
 idea and in the following paragraphs will articulate why. First of all, nowadays people consume more fast food and foods high in calories frequently and
health
 issues related to obesity are more than ever before.
Thus
, these actions of mass really
making
Wrong verb form
make
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 the situation worse for
health
 care which is already fighting with a lot of diseases and patients.
Secondly
, there are a lot of ways of informing people about their eating lifestyle in order to help the situation.
For instance
, there should be some sort of
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
informative precaution about eating on programs on the
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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, on newsletters,
between
Correct word choice
and between
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 ads mainly for adults.
Moreover
, providing more PE lessons in school will lead children and teenagers to
learning
Change the verb form
learn
show examples
 about sports and the importance of their eating habits'
affect
Replace the word
effect
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 on their body. To illustrate
this
, research conducted by various universities
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 proved that children who participate more in PE lessons reduce the risk of being
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obese significantly.
Submitted by elnur.adil on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance. Consider refining your thesis statement for clarity. Your conclusion should re-emphasize your viewpoint and summarize main points.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more compelling introduction and conclusion. These are essential for guiding your reader through your argument and emphasizing the importance of your views.
coherence cohesion
Develop a more structured logical flow. Use transition words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with a wider variety of examples and evidence. While you mentioned research from universities, include statistics, studies, or real-world examples to strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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