IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

some universities and making sports aa a mandatory module to reduce the rate of obesity, to what extent do you agree?

#universities #sports #aa #module #rate #obesity
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The bar chart illustrates how many trips per year were made by children between the ages of 5 and 12 using various transport means
such
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 as car, walking, riding a bike, bus and both walking and bus.
Overall
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,
it is clear that
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 there is a decrease in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
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 of trips among all means of transportation apart from being a car passenger.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
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, walking by foot stood out having the most numbers of
pupils'
Change noun form
pupils
show examples
walks
Wrong verb form
walking
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 in 1990. As it is presented on the chart, approximately 6 to 7 million times pupils went cycling, walking and walking
in addition
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 to bus to get to school in 1990.
However
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, the times have changed, because there was a drastic downfall in all 3 modes of transport starting with 2
millions
Change to singular
million
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 to 5.
On the other hand
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, car passenger
travels
Correct subject-verb agreement
travel
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 experienced a substantial growth from more than 4 to about 11 million.
Consequently
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,
due to
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 the fact that more people started using cars to travel to school,
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 kids remained walking to school, which resulted in
fall
Correct article usage
a fall
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 more than 12 to 6 million
Submitted by dulskywork on

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task response
The essay does not address the given topic about the role of sports in universities to tackle obesity. Ensure to carefully read and respond to the prompt accurately.
coherence
To improve coherence, create a more logical structure by organizing your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea.
cohesion
Make sure to use transition words and phrases to connect the ideas and paragraphs smoothly, enhancing readability and flow of your essay.
task response
To achieve better task achievement, make sure to directly address the question, develop your argument with clearly outlined reasons, and support your points with relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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