IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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With advancements in technology and
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 availability of mobile
phones
, some youngsters waste a lot of their
time
 watching screens, which is not a healthy trend.There are numerous reasons for
this
 negative inclination. First of all, the increased
accessibilty
Correct your spelling
accessibility
 is the reason for excess use.
This
 has accompanied the
revoultionary
Correct your spelling
revolutionary
 change brought in
twenty first
Add a hyphen
twenty-first
show examples
 century in the digital world by the technical giants.These cell
phones
 are accessible to everyone
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a very cheap price.
Also
, these devices provide a variety of features like
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, video games,
Correct word choice
and appstore
show examples
appstore
Correct your spelling
app store
 where all apps are available free of cost,
thus
 luring everyone to buy a good smartphone.People now have given it to
childeren
Correct your spelling
children
 as well.In some areas of major cities, every child in a house above 12 years owns a mobile phone.
Secondly
, the parents have now become very busy with both
father
Correct article usage
the father
show examples
 and mother working to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 the financial requirements.They are unable to pay more attention to their kids and find it convenient to keep them engaged through
gadgetries
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgetry
show examples
.
Thirdly
,
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 outdoor
palygrounds
Correct your spelling
playgrounds
playground
 and sports facilities
has
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have
show examples
also
 contributed to
increased
Correct article usage
the increased
show examples
 use of mobile apps.
In
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 the
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
 offer videos and
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 for all ages to keep them involved.
This
 is not a good development in general.It causes extra screen
time
 which may affect vision.
For instance
, my nephew after
misspending
Verb problem
spending
show examples
time
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video games, has now become dependent on the galsses for seeing at
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 of just ten years.
Moreover
, it prevents the development of a family bond, with everyone at home being busy with online activities.
Furthermore
, there may be a tendency for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
violent
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 in a child after watching the extreme content.
In addition
, boys and girls who fiddle away
thier
Correct your spelling
their
time
 on various gadgets, become
house bound
Correct your spelling
housebound
show examples
 and
non social
Add a hyphen
non-social
show examples
 with less
of
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apply
show examples
actual friends and more
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
virtual friends.
Also
, the misuse of technology has forced the youth to adopt a sedentary lifestyle and avoid
doing
Verb problem
playing
show examples
 outdoor games that may lead to numerous health problems like obesity, hypertension and diabetes. In a nutshell,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children are spending their precious
time
 on
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
 which is having disastrous consequences on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society at large.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

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Style
To further refine your writing, consider enhancing the variety of sentence structures and vocabulary. This deepens the complexity of your discussion and makes your arguments more persuasive.
Content
For a more dynamic essay, incorporate direct examples or data where possible. This strengthens your argument and makes your points more relatable.
Coherence
Though your essay is well-organized, try to more explicitly link your paragraphs and ideas together. Using transition phrases can guide your reader more smoothly through your argument.
Structure
You provided a well-structured introduction and conclusion, setting a clear framework for your argument.
Content
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, discussing a variety of reasons for and implications of children spending excess time on smartphones.
Example
The use of specific examples, like the personal anecdote about your nephew, effectively illustrates the consequences of the issue at hand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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