In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Over the
last
few years, the number of people
who prefer to overweight
or unhealthy Add a missing verb
be overweight
have
increased significantly. Correct subject-verb agreement
has
Although
there are several agree of
the government has the responsibility to solve Change preposition
that
this
problem, it can have
Unnecessary verb
apply
some
disagree as well. In Correct quantifier usage
apply
this
Correct your spelling
essay
essey
I will try to discuss both Add a comma
essey,
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
or
negative sides of Correct word choice
and
this
and draw a conclusion.
On the one hand, there are several benefits of overweight people
. The first merit of it is considered to be that fast food are
ubiquitous Change the verb form
is
nowdays
. Correct the word
nowadays
For instance
, many people
consume more calories than they burn through physical activity. Or our lifestyle has become far too sedentary. Sometimes, some people
buy sugory
drinks Correct your spelling
sugary
high fat
snacks and other unhealthy Add a hyphen
high-fat
foods
. Another positive aspect is thought to be that processed foods
are often fastier
and less nutritious than whole Correct your spelling
faster
tastier
foods
and so promote overeating. But public health care is too serious a matter to be placed exclusively in the hands of profits or jentea
organisations.
Correct your spelling
enter
On the other hand
, despite mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
positive
, children and Fix the agreement mistake
positives
people
are becoming overweight or unhealthy. One of the major disagree of it is that fat
food restaurants could easily offer healthy alternatives. Replace the word
fatty
For example
, some people
should avoid overating
and Correct your spelling
overeating
overheating
take
more exercise, or taking up an outdoor sport or a physical activity like gardening or walking can compensate for a sedentary lifestyle. Sometimes, junk food advertising should be tightly controlled or banned altogether. Another important demerit is that the public needs to be made aware of the health risks posed by engineered Verb problem
do
foods
. In my countries
, citizens contribute to the funding of public health through income tax.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
country
while
overweight
and unhealthy can offer several Add a missing verb
being overweight
positive
, there may be some drawbacks too. From my personal point of view, Fix the agreement mistake
positives
agree
or Wrong verb form
agreeing
of
Change preposition
apply
this
will outweigh the disagree
.Wrong verb form
disagreeing
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Task Achievement
Continue to strengthen your essay structure by introducing your topic clearly and stating your opinion explicitly in the introduction. This will make your stance clear from the beginning.
Task Achievement
Expand on your main points by providing more detailed examples and explanations. This can enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure there is a clear connection between paragraphs and ideas. Use transition words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Revisit the differentiation between positive and negative aspects more clearly. This will help in reinforcing the clarity of your argument.
Task Achievement
Good effort in discussing both sides of the argument, showing an ability to consider multiple perspectives.
Task Achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint, which is a strong aspect of your essay writing.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have attempted to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary, which enriches your essay.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.