IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is true that
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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children
Use synonyms
 will become in society depends on the people they are surrounded by.
While
Linking Words
 someone
consider
Change the verb form
considers
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 teaching
children
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 good manners to be
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
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 of
parents
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, others
concerned
Add a missing verb
are concerned
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 that schools are designed for
this
Linking Words
 purpose. Personally, I agree with both views and in
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I am going to discuss it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, people with whom
children
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 contact mostly after their births are
parents
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.
Children
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 listen to them and take into account parental
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and thoughts.
For instance
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, if
child
Add an article
the child
a child
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 needs a piece of advice, a person he or she will first ask for and listen to is mother or father.
This
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 means that
parents
Use synonyms
 for them are an example they look up to and admire, they want to be like them.
However
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, it is really important for
parents
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 not only to tell how to behave
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
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 to show it by their own example. By the way, schools
also
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 play an important role in
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 upbringing. Approximately at 6 years old
children
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 start going to school where they spend a lot of time and get educated.
Moreover
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, teachers have professional knowledge from university
how
Change preposition
on how
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 to talk with kids,
how
Correct word choice
and how
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 to convey information correctly.
This
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also
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 means that unlike
parents
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 teachers have some psychological knowledge. At
school
Add a comma
school,
show examples
children
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 understand the difference between good and bad things and start to behave the way teachers
reward
Correct pronoun usage
reward them
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, if one kid got
good
Add an article
a good
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 grade and for that reason was rewarded by the teacher with good words and
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 reaction, others would want the same, which will encourage them to study harder and become better. In conclusion,
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 will become in the future depends both on
parents
Use synonyms
 and school. Each person plays their own role in
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 upbringing.
While
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 are
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
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 of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 for kids, schools provide
children
Use synonyms
 with the knowledge of morality and rules.

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Language use
To further enhance your essay, consider observing a broader range of sentence structures to add variety and complexity to your writing. This can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Supporting examples
Try to implement more concrete and detailed examples to support your main points. While your existing examples are relevant, further details and specificity can help to strengthen your arguments and provide a clearer illustration of your ideas.
Task achievement
You have done an excellent job of presenting a balanced view on the topic, discussing both sides of the argument before stating your personal opinion. This shows a strong understanding of the task and enhances your essay's comprehensiveness.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This structure aids the reader in understanding your arguments and viewpoints, which is a crucial aspect of coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and cohesion
The use of cohesive devices and transitional phrases throughout your essay effectively links ideas and paragraphs, aiding the flow of your argument. This skill is vital for achieving coherence and helps the reader to follow your thought process.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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