IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Obesity has become an issue in some Western countries, especially among children. What are the reasons behind, and what effects does it have on individuals’ life?

#obesity #countries #children #effects #individuals’ #life
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Nowadays,
obesity
 is considered
prevalent
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a prevalent
the prevalent
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 issue for
children
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Western countries.
This
 essay will shed light on the various underlying causes which led to undesirable consequences. One of the primary drivers of
obesity
 is bad eating habits and unawareness
about
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of
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ramifications
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the ramifications
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 of fast food for
children
 in
West
Correct article usage
the West
show examples
.
Firstly
, in the light of fact that families are less sensitive about their
children
’s eating habits ,
the
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apply
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obesity
 is turning
to
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into
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 a common issue in there. To cite an example ,
although
 the curriculum in schools is tailored to promote public awareness about
importance
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the importance
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 of eating
habit
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habits
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, the
children
 continue to consume unhealthy products in the USA. What is more , the popularity of junk food in
the
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apply
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Western cultures paves the way for obese kids . The delicate
flavor
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flavour
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 and attractive advertisements are key factors in
awaking
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awakening
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an
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apply
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interest in
public
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the public
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 .
For instance
,
McDonalds
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Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
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, the most famous fast food restaurant , try to use different ingredients so that they can make
children
 more
obsessive
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obsessed
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 with their menu.
Turning to
Verb problem
The
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 consequences of
obesity
 ,
it has
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have
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 destructive effects on the
overall
 well-being of
children
. First of all,
this
 tendency
assist
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assists
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 the health problem for their future life gradually.
For instance
 ,
according to
 statistics carried out in
West
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the West
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 ,
the
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apply
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obesity
 not only shorten life
span
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spans
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 but
also
 is responsible for possible risks of heart
diseases
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disease
show examples
 and
attack
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attacks
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
the
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apply
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obese people experience sleep
disorder
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disorders
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,
breathing
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and breathing
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problem
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problems
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 more often as compared to others. Taking everything into consideration ,
the
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apply
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obesity
 which
is resulted
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
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 bad eating habits can
paves
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pave
show examples
 the way for negative outcomes in terms of health aspects.
Submitted by bhoswriting on

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structure
Try to ensure that all paragraphs are well-structured and that each one begins with a clear topic sentence that supports the main argument of the essay.
language
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and vary your sentence structures to enhance the complexity and precision of your language.
accuracy
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and inaccuracies that could be easily corrected.
content
Use more specific examples and data to back up your claims. This enriches your essay and makes your arguments more convincing.
focus
Your essay provides a thoughtful discussion on the causes and effects of obesity in Western countries, maintaining a clear focus throughout.
introduction/conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted and bookend your essay effectively, providing a clear opening and summarizing your main points at the end.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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