IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

It is better to go out for a live performance (a show or concert) than stay at home watching TV or using the computer. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#live #performance #show #concert #home #tv #computer
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Nowadays, people can enjoy movies and
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 through personal devices
such
 as laptops or even a smartphone
due to
 information technology developments.
However
, there are some people
would
Correct pronoun usage
who would
show examples
 put effort
to watch
Change preposition
into watching
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art shows
direct
Replace the word
directly
show examples
 shows
such
 as opera or live-music
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
show examples
. In my opinion, I would prefer
attending
Change the verb form
to attend
show examples
 the live
performance
 despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching it on the screen for several reasons. First of all, live
performance
Fix the agreement mistake
performances
show examples
 of theatrical or music
concert
Fix the agreement mistake
concerts
show examples
 give exceptional experiences. We can enjoy the actor or singer presenting their
art-work
Correct your spelling
artwork
show examples
 directly. There is no edited scene or tuned vocal
while
 they performed it in
real time
Add a hyphen
real-time
show examples
 shows so we would see their talent.
Then
, watching the
artist
Change noun form
artist's
show examples
performance
 on-site could be a good appreciation for their works because
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 usually
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
show examples
higher
Correct word choice
more
show examples
 and put more effort
to see
Change preposition
into seeing
show examples
 their actions directly through live shows. Enjoying the shows with other fans
also
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 another impression rather than
watched
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 at home. Watching an event through
entertainment
Correct article usage
an entertainment
show examples
 platform could be more efficient since we can access
whenever
Correct pronoun usage
it whenever
show examples
you
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 like.
However
, the movies or songs might be adjusted to eliminate certain mistakes that could
be occurred
Wrong verb form
occur
show examples
 during the production, so the
viewers
Add a verb
viewers are
viewers were
show examples
 not able to judge their
performance
. In conclusion, I agree that attending
live
Correct article usage
a live
show examples
performance
 would give
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 experience rather than watching
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
through your personal devices even though there will
additional
Add a missing verb
be additional
show examples
 effort to enjoy it.
In addition
, we could assess an artist's talent through their live
performance
 objectively and accurately as a fan.
Submitted by cracko.eko on

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Structure
Try to structure your essay with more clearly distinct paragraphs. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion should be separated to improve readability and logical flow.
Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking phrases to transition more smoothly between ideas and paragraphs.
Detail
Develop your ideas further by including more detailed examples. Specific examples add depth to your arguments and make them more convincing.
Balance
Consider exploring both sides of the argument to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic. While your personal stance is clear, acknowledging counter-arguments can enrich your discussion.
Engagement
Your enthusiasm for live performances comes through clearly, demonstrating a strong personal engagement with the topic.
Vocabulary
You have used a variety of vocabulary to express your ideas, which makes your essay interesting to read.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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