It is better to go out for a live performance (a show or concert) than stay at home watching TV or using the computer. To what extent do you agree or disagree
Nowadays, people can enjoy movies and
musics
through personal devices Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
such
as laptops or even a smartphone due to
information technology developments. However
, there are some people would
put effort Correct pronoun usage
who would
to watch
Change preposition
into watching
an
art shows Correct article usage
apply
direct
shows Replace the word
directly
such
as opera or live-music event
. In my opinion, I would prefer Fix the agreement mistake
events
attending
the live Change the verb form
to attend
performance
despite of
watching it on the screen for several reasons.
First of all, live Change preposition
apply
performance
of theatrical or music Fix the agreement mistake
performances
concert
give exceptional experiences. We can enjoy the actor or singer presenting their Fix the agreement mistake
concerts
art-work
directly. There is no edited scene or tuned vocal Correct your spelling
artwork
while
they performed it in real time
shows so we would see their talent. Add a hyphen
real-time
Then
, watching the artist
Change noun form
artist's
performance
on-site could be a good appreciation for their works because peoples
usually Fix the agreement mistake
people
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
higher
and put more effort Correct word choice
more
to see
their actions directly through live shows. Enjoying the shows with other fans Change preposition
into seeing
also
give
another impression rather than Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
watched
Wrong verb form
watching
it
at home.
Watching an event through Correct pronoun usage
them
entertainment
platform could be more efficient since we can access Correct article usage
an entertainment
whenever
Correct pronoun usage
it whenever
you
like. Correct pronoun usage
we
However
, the movies or songs might be adjusted to eliminate certain mistakes that could be occurred
during the production, so the Wrong verb form
occur
viewers
not able to judge their Add a verb
viewers are
viewers were
performance
.
In conclusion, I agree that attending live
Correct article usage
a live
performance
would give better
experience rather than watching Add an article
a better
in
through your personal devices even though there will Change preposition
apply
additional
effort to enjoy it. Add a missing verb
be additional
In addition
, we could assess an artist's talent through their live performance
objectively and accurately as a fan.Submitted by cracko.eko on
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Structure
Try to structure your essay with more clearly distinct paragraphs. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion should be separated to improve readability and logical flow.
Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of linking phrases to transition more smoothly between ideas and paragraphs.
Detail
Develop your ideas further by including more detailed examples. Specific examples add depth to your arguments and make them more convincing.
Balance
Consider exploring both sides of the argument to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic. While your personal stance is clear, acknowledging counter-arguments can enrich your discussion.
Engagement
Your enthusiasm for live performances comes through clearly, demonstrating a strong personal engagement with the topic.
Vocabulary
You have used a variety of vocabulary to express your ideas, which makes your essay interesting to read.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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