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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

obesity has become an issue in some Western countries, especially among children. What are the reasons behind, and what effects does it have on individuals' life

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Over the
last
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 decades, Western populations have seen an increase in the number of
children
Use synonyms
 who suffer from obesity and
as well as
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, overweight.
This
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 essay will discuss some reasons why
this
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 occurred and shed light on the consequences of
this
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 adverse tendency. The critical cause of
this
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 issue is a poor diet. In the
last
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 ten years, there has been a dramatic ascent in the number of fast food,
additionally
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 its restaurants.
For instance
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, in the USA approximately every street has McDonald’s, KFC, and numerous
such
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 places. The junk food in these places is not healthy and it contains a lot of food pollutants, and hazardous chemicals and is consumed by customers, especially
children
Use synonyms
. The effects of
this
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 have been and will continue to be very weighty.
Firstly
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, there has been a significant increase in the rates of disease conditions, and health issues amongst
children
Use synonyms
, especially diabetes. The majority of youngsters are suffering from serious illnesses which relate to being overweight and obese.
Moreover
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, it can lead to feelings of embarrassment among their peers and lower self-confidence and self-esteem.
Furthermore
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, it
also
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 brings viable discrimination in the job and business market and can be another negative impact of being obese.
To sum up
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, the obvious conclusion to be drawn is that,
it is clear that
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 there are plenty of causes of being overweight amongst
children
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and a larger variety of detrimental effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
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 problem from
further
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.

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, including more distinct, real-world examples could enhance the task achievement score.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've structured your essay logically, which enhances its readability. To further improve coherence and cohesion, try varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words for smoother transitions between ideas.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, effectively framing your essay.
Support for Main Points
Main points are supported with reasons, though more specific examples could add depth.
Clarity of Ideas
Your discussion of causes and consequences is clear and relates well to the prompt.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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