IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health. Others believe that the Government should make sure that their citizens are healthy. Discuss both views.

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As
people
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 ,nowadays, have to pay taxes to the governments of their countries, they expect that taking
care
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 of themselves is a part of the
government
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's commission,
however
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, others find that the duty of taking
care
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 of their own
health
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 is their own concern which nothing relates to the governments. In
this
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 essay, I will
further
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 discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
these two points of view. On one hand,
citizens
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 have to be proactive in taking
care
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 of their physical
as well as
Linking Words
 mental
health
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. For the purpose of staying healthy, they must do exercises, get enough sleep, and be provided adequate nutrients and these are the daily activities which are finished by the
citizens
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 themselves.
In addition
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,
people
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 have to properly find suitable manners of living in order to achieve a wonderful mindset and mentality by themselves.
People
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,
for instance
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, to obtain a meaningful life, they must by themselves enrol in charity, and volunteer organisations.
On the other hand
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,
Authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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also
Linking Words
 have to take
care
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 of their
citizens
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'
health
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. Financially, Governments can provide allowances for underprivileged
people
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 or families in order to let them fit into the community and enjoy a better life. The Australian
government
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,
for example
Linking Words
, provides $1,400 per fortnight for needy families and disadvantaged
people
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 with the goal of letting them maintain normal lives like others.
To sum up
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, there are various ways of maintaining
citizens
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'
health
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 for both individuals and the
government
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, as
citizens
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 can completely achieve it on their own or be provided
allowances
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with allowances
show examples
 from the
government
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.

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Introduction
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines your discussion. Your current introduction is effective, but refining it for clarity and conciseness can enhance your essay's impact.
Development
Expand on your ideas by providing more detailed examples and evidence. While you've included an excellent example with the Australian government, adding more depth to your arguments will strengthen your essay.
Cohesion
Pay attention to your writing's cohesion. Use a range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. While your essay shows good cohesion, further variety in these can improve readability and flow.
Balance
Provided a balanced discussion of both viewpoints on the responsibility for health.
Evidence
Included a specific example (the Australian government's support for needy families) to support your argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes both views and presents a clear stance, which is excellent practice.
Structure
The structure of your essay is logical, with clear paragraphs for each main idea.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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