IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

'Your passions should be one of the factors you take into account while picking a career. When a hobby is an interest, why do so many people not even consider them?' Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#passions #factors #account #career #hobby #interest #people
When you get a career
according to
 your desires, you should think about doing it properly. If your hobby is music, when you get a job
according to
 it, you should think about doing it properly. One should properly experience the mental healing that comes from music as a hobby. Music is a universal language. Even songs written in other languages ​​should be listened to and enjoyed. If the job you get from
this
 is compatible with the hobby, you will enjoy it and you will be able to earn money from the job.
Submitted by roshnijuneja19182 on

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task response
Your essay makes an attempt to connect your passion and career, particularly focusing on music. However, the argument lacks depth and detail. Consider expanding your discussion to include varied reasons why passions/hobbies should or should not count in career choice.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay appears disjointed, making it hard for readers to follow your line of reasoning. Think about organizing your essay into distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument.
task response
Using specific examples can greatly strengthen your argument. Consider sharing personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios where turning a hobby into a career has positive outcomes.
task response
You've selected a universally relatable and compelling topic by focusing on music as an example.
coherence and cohesion
There's a genuine attempt to link passion with profession, which is a relevant and engaging discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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