IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

In the past, many male leaders had led our society to conflicts and violence. The world would be better governed and more peaceful if it were ruled by women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#leaders #society #conflicts #violence #world #women
The majority of
men
 leaders had ruled in society
to
Change preposition
due to
show examples
 conflicts and violence in the past. The world should led our society by
women
in stead
Correct your spelling
instead
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 a good
gorverned
Correct your spelling
government
 and more
peaceful
Correct pronoun usage
peaceful one
show examples
. I agree with
this
 sentence and the reason why I agree will be discussed in the following paragraph before the conclusion
is reaches
Change the verb form
is reached
show examples
. Undeniable, the world should
men
 to leaders of the country because
men
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 very stronger than
women
 but some
perspctive
Correct your spelling
perspective
 of
Add an article
the male
a male
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 is not
correclty
Correct your spelling
correctly
 throughout
for instance
, many
male
Change to a plural noun
males
show examples
 think that they will be
Add an article
the leadership
a leadership
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leadership
Replace the word
leaders
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 of
family
Correct article usage
the family
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 and
women
 have to
doing
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do
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 housework and
responsibility
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responsible
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about
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for
show examples
 supporting a male when they come back home. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fact,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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women
 should be led
instead
 of
men
 because some
development
Replace the word
developed
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women
 may have any opinion better than
men
.
Although
, in the past
the
Correct article usage
apply
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all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
 had led more than
women
, it is not necessarily
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
women
 will not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rule
 in the future.
Moreover
, many
female
Change to a plural noun
females
show examples
 should
be get
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get
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 a
rule
 opportunity in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society for a chance to present ability and change
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
something was conflict.
In addition
, male and female is
equality
Replace the word
equal
show examples
 both think and
rule
. In conclusion, if a
women
Change the noun form
woman
show examples
 has
rule
 and responsibility
in stead
Correct your spelling
instead
show examples
men
Change preposition
of men
show examples
 it may
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governed and more
peachful
Correct your spelling
peaceful
 than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past.
Submitted by kunlacha.kp on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear standpoint, but it lacks detailed examples and more developed arguments to fully answer the question. Consider including more specific examples and further developing your ideas to support your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your essay more logically and clearly. Introduce each main point in its own paragraph, providing a clear topic sentence and supporting it with relevant examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve readability. Using a variety of sentence structures can make your essay more engaging and easier to follow.
task achievement
You have a clear position on the topic, which is good for task response.
task achievement
You attempted to use examples to support your points, which helps with task achievement.
coherence cohesion
You included an introduction and a conclusion, which is essential for a well-structured essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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