IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

With the improvements in today's health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed?

#improvements #health #care #society #people #numbers
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Today,one of the issues discussed is that advanced medical technology has led to an increase in the number of elderly
people
.
Although
this
 trend can create challenges for both the state and the
population
, I believe that modern technologies can effectively manage the growing elderly
population
.
To begin
 with,the rising elderly
population
 cause some difficulties,including
shortage
Correct article usage
a shortage
show examples
 of medical workers and
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hospitals for
people
.
For example
,there are few qualified workers in the medical
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
,but the number of elderly
people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more.
Therefore
,workers cannot serve
effectivel
Correct your spelling
effectively
effective
,and
also
this
reduce
Change the verb form
reduces
show examples
 the quality of treatment.
Furthermore
, there are other problems for
elderly
Add an article
the elderly
show examples
population
such
 as accessibility of markets,
shops
Correct word choice
and shops
show examples
, which causes challenges.
On the other hand
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think technology
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 improved and helps
people
 in all parts of life and
also
,it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 life easier for both older and young
people
.
For instance
, elderly
people
 can connect with medical
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and doctors from home,and they get
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
advice.
Also
, many institutions can examine the health condition of individuals at home 24 hours every,which could ensure the safety of old
people
 who live by themselves. In conclusion,it is true that the number of elderly
people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 growing increasingly and it has some problematic effects.I believe that modern technologies can help to cope with these problems and to improve health care.
Submitted by Name_1234 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to make your writing more engaging.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. Concrete examples can help illustrate your arguments more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, clearly presenting your viewpoint.
complete response
Your essay addresses the topic comprehensively, acknowledging both challenges and solutions related to the aging population.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: