IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people spend a lot of money celebrating personal family events, such as weddings and birthdays. How important is it to celebrate such events? Do you think people spend too much money on these events?

#people #money #events #weddings #birthdays
People
 in many different kinds of nations have their own views and traditions about celebrating their own
events
. Some
people
 waste a lot of
money
 organizing personal
events
such
 as weddings and birthdays. It plays a prominent role in our modern societies, and these communities may spend a lot more
money
 than ever on
such
 activities. Nowadays,there are several reasons why
this
 is very important.
Firstly
,
people
 who are moving to another place from their hometown and country in which their relatives and friends reside still so that these
mankinds
Correct your spelling
mankind's
 desire to meet with
people
 that they miss every day, despite wasting a lot of
money
. In
this
 way, they can reminisce
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 childhood activities and other appealing actions. At the same time, a person who lives in
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 hectic lifestyle may recharge his or her batteries immediately through these
events
 if
this
 is what they want.
However
, from my point of view,  spending more
money
 on these
events
 by
people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 becoming more increasingly than ever before.
However
,
people
 may manage these
events
 based on their family circumstances.
For example
,
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
newly married couples who were brought up in wealthy families desire to
expend
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 as much as
money
 without any distractions  like going to famous foreign cities for honeymoons,
thus
 they can afford to expand luxury activities. Even if
this
money
 were given to poor
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
, they would not spend it to celebrate weddings or birthdays. In conclusion, there are some concepts mentioned above about how
money
 is used to celebrate them.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples and details to support your viewpoints, as this helps in enhancing your task response score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within each paragraph relate directly to that main idea.
coherance cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You did a good job of outlining the importance of celebrating events and giving reasons for why people might spend a lot of money on them.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: