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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people spend a lot of money celebrating personal family events, such as weddings and birthdays. How important is it to celebrate such events? Do you think people spend too much money on these events?

#people #money #events #weddings #birthdays
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People
Use synonyms
 in many different kinds of nations have their own views and traditions about celebrating their own
events
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. Some
people
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 waste a lot of
money
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 organizing personal
events
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such
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 as weddings and birthdays. It plays a prominent role in our modern societies, and these communities may spend a lot more
money
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 than ever on
such
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 activities. Nowadays,there are several reasons why
this
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 is very important.
Firstly
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,
people
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 who are moving to another place from their hometown and country in which their relatives and friends reside still so that these
mankinds
Correct your spelling
mankind's
 desire to meet with
people
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 that they miss every day, despite wasting a lot of
money
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. In
this
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 way, they can reminisce
their
Change preposition
about their
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 childhood activities and other appealing actions. At the same time, a person who lives in
very
Correct article usage
a very
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 hectic lifestyle may recharge his or her batteries immediately through these
events
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 if
this
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 is what they want.
However
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, from my point of view,  spending more
money
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 on these
events
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 by
people
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 becoming more increasingly than ever before.
However
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,
people
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 may manage these
events
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 based on their family circumstances.
For example
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,
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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newly married couples who were brought up in wealthy families desire to
expend
Verb problem
spend
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 as much as
money
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 without any distractions  like going to famous foreign cities for honeymoons,
thus
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 they can afford to expand luxury activities. Even if
this
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money
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 were given to poor
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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, they would not spend it to celebrate weddings or birthdays. In conclusion, there are some concepts mentioned above about how
money
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 is used to celebrate them.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples and details to support your viewpoints, as this helps in enhancing your task response score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within each paragraph relate directly to that main idea.
coherance cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You did a good job of outlining the importance of celebrating events and giving reasons for why people might spend a lot of money on them.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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