In recent years, sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some, this is a benefit, raising the profile of sports, but for others, it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Presently, stars in most types of
sports
, especially those known more among people
, have become highly renowned and rich. It is true that these can improve the image of sports
, while
some other people
assert that it will negatively affect the sports
. I therefore
side with the latter group, attempting to outline some possible reasons.
One common argument is that injecting so much money
into sports
could encourage children and teenagers to change their way toward it. This
would be absolutely effective, but those who entered into sports
would have high expectations about money
and their status rather than focusing on the sports
itself. Furthermore
, sportsmen and sportswomen have become role models, and while
they don't deserve it, they only seek wealth and attention, which would be detrimental to society as a whole. As a result
, children who follow these stars would imitate their behavior
, concerning their parents, who shoulder the huge responsibility of bringing up well-mannered society members.
Other Change the spelling
behaviour
people
may argue that stars in sports
can make it more fascinating, attracting a huge number of people
, which consequently
can absorb the high-powered companies to advertise their products or services through sports
events, which can create job opportunities. However
, this
may divert attention from the competition to profits. Nowadays, commercialized sports
emphasize money
and social media more than teamwork, loyalty, and bravery, which were the primary characteristics of the former generations. For example
, Neymar is a case in point, who left his club due to
money
to another club in Saudi Arabia. In other words
, investing so much money
and attention to sportspeople, ironically, has ruined the purity of sports
.
In summary, injecting money
into sports
and increasing the fame of those involved might seem beneficial in raising the profile of sports
. Nevertheless
, these implications have proven to be problematic, causing complications in sports
, and now the concentration is more on the money
than the activity.Submitted by TUTOO on
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Structure & Clarity
Ensure each paragraph is well-structured around one main idea. Break down complex thoughts into clearer, more focused sentences to enhance understanding.
Supporting examples
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While the reference to Neymar is relevant, additional, varied examples could strengthen your case.
Argument Development
Balance your argument by exploring more deeply the opposing viewpoint. Acknowledge the benefits but also critically examine them to provide a more nuanced discussion.
Structure
You've structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.
Task Response
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, which is excellent for task response.
Use of Examples
Your use of a real-world example (Neymar) to support your argument shows an effective way to make your point clearer to the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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