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Band 6.5

In recent years, sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some, this is a benefit, raising the profile of sports, but for others, it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#years #sports #stars #benefit #profile #influence
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Presently, stars in most types of
sports
, especially those known more among
people
, have become highly renowned and rich. It is true that these can improve the image of
sports
,
while
 some other
people
 assert that it will negatively affect the
sports
. I
therefore
 side with the latter group, attempting to outline some possible reasons. One common argument is that injecting so much
money
 into
sports
 could encourage children and teenagers to change their way toward it.
This
 would be absolutely effective, but those who entered into
sports
 would have high expectations about
money
 and their status rather than focusing on the
sports
 itself.
Furthermore
, sportsmen and sportswomen have become role models, and
while
 they don't deserve it, they only seek wealth and attention, which would be detrimental to society as a whole.
As a result
, children who follow these stars would imitate their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, concerning their parents, who shoulder the huge responsibility of bringing up well-mannered society members. Other
people
 may argue that stars in
sports
 can make it more fascinating, attracting a huge number of
people
, which
consequently
 can absorb the high-powered companies to advertise their products or services through
sports
 events, which can create job opportunities.
However
,
this
 may divert attention from the competition to profits. Nowadays, commercialized
sports
 emphasize
money
 and social media more than teamwork, loyalty, and bravery, which were the primary characteristics of the former generations.
For example
, Neymar is a case in point, who left his club
due to
money
 to another club in Saudi Arabia.
In other words
, investing so much
money
 and attention to sportspeople, ironically, has ruined the purity of
sports
. In summary, injecting
money
 into
sports
 and increasing the fame of those involved might seem beneficial in raising the profile of
sports
.
Nevertheless
, these implications have proven to be problematic, causing complications in
sports
, and now the concentration is more on the
money
 than the activity.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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Structure & Clarity
Ensure each paragraph is well-structured around one main idea. Break down complex thoughts into clearer, more focused sentences to enhance understanding.
Supporting examples
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While the reference to Neymar is relevant, additional, varied examples could strengthen your case.
Argument Development
Balance your argument by exploring more deeply the opposing viewpoint. Acknowledge the benefits but also critically examine them to provide a more nuanced discussion.
Structure
You've structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.
Task Response
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, which is excellent for task response.
Use of Examples
Your use of a real-world example (Neymar) to support your argument shows an effective way to make your point clearer to the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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