IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people in poor countries die from diseases that are curable because they cannot afford the medication required. Do you believe that drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices in these countries?

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These days, in many undeveloped
countries
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, there is a controversial issue in medicine factor caused by the cost of the drugs.
Due to
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this
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 situation, a lot of individuals are suffering and dying from diseases that are curable.
Moreover
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, some people support the idea of lowering the price of the pills. On the one hand, purchasing
for
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apply
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drugs is expensive in
this
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 era resulting
tons
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in tons
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 of tragic incidents all over the world. In undeveloped
countries
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, it is hard to contribute its citizens with health care treatment because of the lack of medicine factories.
Also
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, these
countries
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, need to get medicine products from other
countries
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 which costs a massive amount of money.
For example
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, in Mongolia, we do not have many factories to produce pills resulting in
to beg
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begging
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 for developed nations to contribute to us.
Furthermore
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, private hospitals sell their medical treatment at a very high
costs
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cost
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 to make a profit.
On the other hand
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, inventing and manufacturing healing products are more likely to move heaven and earth, so it is understandable to be high-priced. Big corporations in
this
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 industry put lots of effort into creating new curing techniques and methods to tackle new diseases that are spreading at light speed.
Also
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, people should understand that millions of workers in the treatment industry are working every day and night to cure patients, for
this
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 effort, their salary must be high and it is one of the reasons for the high cost. in conclusion, human health and life are the most important things in the world. In my opinion, the government should put more funds into medical
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factors
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factor
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factors
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 by providing high spending on deliveries and other things
such
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 as plants, chemicals, and requirements. By considering
this
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, more and more individuals' lives and beloved ones will be saved.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the question asked. Your essay should respond to the question about whether drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices. Providing a more direct opinion and elaborating on this aspect could enhance your task achievement.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples with more specificity. While mentioning Mongolia, you could delve deeper into how reduced drug prices might impact such situations, thus providing more directly relevant support to your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the coherence of your argument by linking ideas more clearly. Use transitional phrases to connect paragraphs and ensure your discussion flows logically from one point to the next. This improvement will strengthen cohesion across your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
While the structure of your essay is generally good, including more varied sentence structures and transitional phrases could improve its readability and coherence.
Task Achievement
You presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument. This approach strengthens your essay by demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and structured effectively, contributing positively to the organization of your essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Generic drugs
  • Patent laws
  • Healthcare disparity
  • Subsidies
  • Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs)
  • Intellectual property
  • Epidemiology
  • Affordability
  • Global health initiatives
  • Corporate social responsibility
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