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Band 5.5

Many people today are choosing to live and work in another country after graduating from University in their home country. why is this ?do the advantages is turned outweight the disadvantages.

#people #work #country #university #home #outweight
In contemporary times, numerous fresh graduates are deciding to move abroad
due to
 employment opportunities. I firmly believe
this
 phenomenon provides the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
This
 essay will try to examine the causes and the positive effects of
this
 situation.
To begin
 with, everyone has a right to obtain a good future in their lives. Indeed, many many young adults believe another country will be offered good job prospects. The primary reason for
this
 issue is they perceive that advanced
countries
 will offer career possibilities as they expected.
For instance
, as I observed in Indonesia, which is a developing country, there is a large number of
jobseekers
Correct your spelling
job seekers
show examples
 from top campuses
such
 as Indonesia University or Bandung Technology Institute who decided to apply for jobs in wealthier
countries
due to
 job prospects, get experience and hope to have a high salary.
Additionally
,
although
 it might make them far away from their families or will make poorer
country have
Wrong verb form
countries
show examples
lack potential professional workers, it brings enormous benefits to their lives.
Firstly
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 potential to expand their knowledge and get more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
.
Secondly
, having a potentially bright future and high incomes,
therefore
, they can feel safe in saving money.
Finally
, rich
countries’
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
 people are more open-minded, and they think their efforts will be more honoured rather than in their
countries
.
To sum up
, advanced
countries
 offer more career possibilities in comparison to developing
countries
 and individual has the right to choose the best job for their selves. It
also
 will provide more excellent experience and life stability.
Thus
, I firmly believe it gives more advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by innezgracias on

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example
Work on incorporating more specific, real-world examples to strengthen your arguments.
introduction/conclusion
Try to develop a clearer and more comprehensive introduction and conclusion, ensuring they strongly reflect the essay's main arguments and findings.
sentence variety/linking
Consider varying your sentence structures and using more linking words to improve the flow of your essay.
task response
Your essay effectively addresses the topic, showing a clear understanding of the task at hand.
organization
Good job on organizing your essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic.
idea development
You've presented several compelling reasons and benefits related to the topic, which strengthens your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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