IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some say that watching television among children has detrimental effects on their growth while others say otherwise. Do you agree or disagree? Discuss both views

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Watching
television
Use synonyms
 has become a hobby for today's generation which is thought harmful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's development and some people believe it is beneficial for them. I discuss both views in the upcoming paragraphs and agree with
former
Add an article
the former
show examples
 view.
Firstly
Linking Words
, people who argue that
television
Use synonyms
 is beneficial for
children
Use synonyms
 are considering that international programs encourage kids to work hard and grow worldwide because celebrities are
casted
Correct your spelling
cast
show examples
 by some channels
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 influence
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation to show their talents through media and become successful in life. To cite an example, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 there are many shows which are seen by kids and they work hard to reach
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those stages and participate in them,
consequently
Linking Words
, they get selected and become popular Worldwide.
Secondly
Linking Words
, spending excessive amounts of
time
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only stops
children
Use synonyms
's cognitive growth but
also
Linking Words
waste
Correct subject-verb agreement
wastes
show examples
 their
time
Use synonyms
 in which they should be playing outdoor activities
as well as
Linking Words
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
socializing.
For example
Linking Words
,
International
Correct article usage
an International
show examples
 survey has been conducted that 80% of
children
Use synonyms
 invest their
time
Use synonyms
 watching
television
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of going outside to play with others,
therefore
Linking Words
, they face some health obstacles
such
Linking Words
 as obesity as they do not do physical activity.
As a result
Linking Words
, they become
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
,
television
Use synonyms
 does not encourage deep thinking and concentration. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 can
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits
Correct subject-verb agreement
benefit
show examples
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 watching
television
Use synonyms
 and become famous in their lives but investing a lot of
time
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 watching
television
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
halt
Correct subject-verb agreement
halts
show examples
 their cognitive function and
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 various kinds of diseases.

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Task Achievement
Ensure a balanced discussion of both views before presenting your own opinion. This helps in presenting a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Integrate a variety of sentence structures to enhance coherence and keep the reader engaged. Uniform sentence beginnings can make the text monotonous.
Task Achievement
To clarify your stance, explicitly state your agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the conclusion, reinforcing your viewpoint.
Task Achievement
Support your claims with more detailed examples and evidence. Specific real-world examples strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates good task achievement by discussing both views and providing relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental
  • moderate amounts
  • educational content
  • literacy and numeracy skills
  • exposure
  • diverse cultures
  • broaden horizons
  • foster
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • cognitive development
  • fast-paced nature
  • deep thinking
  • concentration
  • physical play
  • creative activities
  • parental control
  • guidance
  • mitigate
  • enhance
  • educational value
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