IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic: Many children and students are taught to push themselves to be better than others rather than work together for everyones’s benefits. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In modern times, It is probably true that
Use synonyms
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
 is inevitable progress in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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education.
Use synonyms
Competion
Correct your spelling
Competition
 gives the best outcomes, but sometimes shows the worst results. In
this
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 essay,
i
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I
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 will examine
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this
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how this
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 trend brings about both benefits and drawbacks. One of the main advantages
for
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of
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 trying to be better than compansions is assistance to
develop
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developing
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 society and
personal
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personnel
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.
That is
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 to say, The more competitive they are and the more they want to do well, the better their skills will improve.
For example
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, in high
schoo
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school
 in South Korea, students are graded on
scale
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the scale
a scale
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about
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of
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 their
study
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studies
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, owing to
this
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,
childerns
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children
 always compare their scale to peers and have
desire
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a desire
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 to grow than before.
For
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this
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 reason, they try to study harder.
However
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, if everyone in society were eager to beat someone
than
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then
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 collaboration, I believe it would have a harmful effect on both individuals and the nation. If they learn only
Use synonyms
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
 throughout the entire study period, it means they don't learn how to interact, care, and cooperate with others, and it will have a negative impact on their social life as
an
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apply
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adult
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adults
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. In
additon
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addition
to
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apply
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, they feel blue or
low
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have low
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 self-esteem easily because of comparing to peers.
For instance
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, young people feel like they are not good enough because they are always focusing on what
other
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others
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 are doing better. In conclusion, it is certain people benefit from
competiting
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competing
to
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with
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 others.
Neverthelss
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Nevertheless
, from my perspective, the negative consequences are too significant to disregard.
Thus
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, it would be a good idea for the school to teach both
Use synonyms
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
 and cooperation so that everyone could learn more balanced thoughts in life.

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introduction
Provide a clearer introduction that includes a thesis statement directly addressing the advantages and disadvantages of the competition.
vocabulary and grammar
Enhance your argument with more varied vocabulary and accurate grammar to improve clarity and reader engagement.
proofreading
Remember to proofread your essay for minor typographical and grammatical errors.
argument balance
Try to provide balanced examples for both views before reaching a conclusion that directly answers the question posed.
paragraph organization
Consider organizing your paragraphs more clearly with topic sentences that introduce the main point of each paragraph.
balanced argument
You effectively discussed both sides of the argument, which is crucial for a balanced argumentative essay.
supporting examples
You provided relevant examples, such as the educational system in South Korea, to support your arguments, which helps illustrate your points clearly to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Instilling
  • Competitive spirit
  • Self-improvement
  • Personal excellence
  • Excessive competition
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Win-at-all-costs mentality
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Collaboration skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mutual success
  • Wider community
  • Educational settings
  • Social development
  • Groundbreaking achievements
  • Collective effort
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