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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Some people prefer indoor sports, while others love doing outdoors. Which team do you support?

#people #sports #love #team #support
There is a debate regarding indoor and outdoor sports as the boost of interest towards
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
activities
. Considering the financial and health status of individuals I lean towards a group of people who support nature
activities
.I believe that open-air
activities
 hold greater potential, and I will present my arguments below.
Above all
 other considerations, external leisures have a way better access for individuals with
average
Add an article
an average
the average
show examples
 rate of income. In order to have a joyful moment with
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 recreations
such
 as football, there is no need for external expenses to the equipment. In
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 case
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 hockey, which requires a lot of external bills for the kit.
Subsequently
, outside adventures are more reliable for the most part of mankind.
On the other hand
, spending time outside has a huge impact on the health of youth. There are a bunch of benefits of doing a variety of types of exercises in the presence of fresh air, meanwhile in the case of
activities
 in the building, which restrict access to oxygen. Сonsistently demonstrates, that the advantages overcome the disadvantages
engaging
Change preposition
of engaging
show examples
 in outdoor
activities
.
Submitted by libranefertiti93 on

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task achievement
In presenting your arguments, strive to provide a wider range of specific examples to bolster your points. While the advantages of outdoor sports in terms of accessibility and health benefits are well-discussed, incorporating more diverse examples or comparative insights could further enrich your response.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure and the introduction and conclusion are clear, which effectively guides the reader through your points. To enhance cohesion, consider utilizing a wider range of linking phrases and transitions to smoothly connect your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and argument, which is commendable. You managed to articulate why outdoor activities are more beneficial, focusing on financial accessibility and health benefits.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay's clear introduction and conclusion effectively frame your argument, making it easy for the reader to understand your position and the points you're making.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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