IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that success is mainly measured by how much money a person has. To what extent do you agree?

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In
this
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 economic society,
money
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 is vital for everyone’s daily
life
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.
Although
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 being rich is usually considered
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apply
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as
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apply
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a symbol of
success
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, I will argue that having
money
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 is not the main way to measure
success
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.
Firstly
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,
relationships
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 have a significant impact on achieving
success
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. The majority of
people
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 need solid and committed
relationships
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,
such
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 as family and friends.
For instance
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, some
businesss
Correct your spelling
business
 persons who are rich would suffer from loneliness if they do not have anyone to share their wealth
.
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with.
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As a result
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, their achievements in business cannot be regarded
and
Correct word choice
as
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success
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 without companions.
Moreover
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, having good health is another aspect of
success
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. Even though some
people
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, who are able to earn a large amount of
money
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, can accept the most advanced treatment,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 can
also
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 become helpless when facing
the
Correct article usage
an
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 uncured disease,
such
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 as cancer.
For instance
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, the former Apple CEO Steven Jobs had a noticeable
success
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 in his career, with a lot of property, unfortunately, he passed by because of cancer.
Therefore
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, having a healthy
life
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 is
also
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 important for
people
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 who
is
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are
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 chasing
for
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apply
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success
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.
In addition
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, another measure of
success
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 is being happy. If a man is poor
,
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apply
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 but happy with their
life
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 and their job,
then
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 there is no doubt that they are successful in
life
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.
On the other hand
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, possessing a large amount of
money
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 might be perceived as a symbol of
success
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, which can be reflected
on
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in
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 high quality
life
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of
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apply
show examples
and self-actualisation.
Firstly
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, wealth provides
upper
Correct article usage
the upper
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 class more access to high-level social resources,
such
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 as living
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in well-furnitured
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well-furnitured
Correct your spelling
well-furniture
 houses and driving sports cars.
Secondly
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,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with
lower
Add an article
the lower
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 class, it is possible
to
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for
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the
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 reach to devote themselves to various dreams without
worry
Wrong verb form
worrying
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 about survival. In conclusion, the acquisition of large amounts of
money
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 can be perceived as successful in terms of material conditions.
However
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the achievement of other areas,
such
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 as harmonious
relationships
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 and good health, is absolutely more meaningful and successful for human beings.
Therefore
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, in order to achieve
success
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, it is recommended that
people
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 pay more attention to
relationships
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 and health.

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coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more smoothly across paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure careful proofreading to correct minor grammatical errors and typos to enhance overall clarity.
task achievement
Expand on examples given, offering more detailed insights or statistics to strengthen arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs detailing your views, and a concise conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt fully, presenting a balanced view on the importance of money in measuring success versus other factors.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as the mention of business persons, Steve Jobs, and contrasting life situations, effectively support your main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • success
  • financial wealth
  • measurement
  • achievements
  • entrepreneurs
  • personal fulfillment
  • philanthropy
  • accomplishments
  • well-being
  • material possessions
  • status symbol
  • indicators
  • self-actualization
  • monetary gains
  • non-materialistic
  • social impact
  • status
  • fulfillment
  • aspiration
  • well-off
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