Some people think that success is mainly measured by how much money a person has. To what extent do you agree?
In
this
economic society, money
is vital for everyone’s daily life
. Although
being rich is usually considered Change preposition
apply
as
a symbol of Change preposition
apply
success
, I will argue that having money
is not the main way to measure success
.
Firstly
, relationships
have a significant impact on achieving success
. The majority of people
need solid and committed relationships
, such
as family and friends. For instance
, some businesss
persons who are rich would suffer from loneliness if they do not have anyone to share their wealthCorrect your spelling
business
.
Change preposition
with.
As a result
, their achievements in business cannot be regarded and
Correct word choice
as
success
without companions.
Moreover
, having good health is another aspect of success
. Even though some people
, who are able to earn a large amount of money
, can accept the most advanced treatment, it
can Correct pronoun usage
they
also
become helpless when facing the
uncured disease, Correct article usage
an
such
as cancer. For instance
, the former Apple CEO Steven Jobs had a noticeable success
in his career, with a lot of property, unfortunately, he passed by because of cancer. Therefore
, having a healthy life
is also
important for people
who is
chasing Change the verb form
are
for
Change preposition
apply
success
. In addition
, another measure of success
is being happy. If a man is poor,
but happy with their Remove the comma
apply
life
and their job, then
there is no doubt that they are successful in life
.
On the other hand
, possessing a large amount of money
might be perceived as a symbol of success
, which can be reflected on
high quality Change preposition
in
life
of
and self-actualisation. Change preposition
apply
Firstly
, wealth provides upper
class more access to high-level social resources, Correct article usage
the upper
such
as living Change preposition
in well-furnitured
well-furnitured
houses and driving sports cars. Correct your spelling
well-furniture
Secondly
, comparing
with Wrong verb form
compared
lower
class, it is possible Add an article
the lower
to
Change preposition
for
the
reach to devote themselves to various dreams without Correct pronoun usage
them
worry
about survival.
In conclusion, the acquisition of large amounts of Wrong verb form
worrying
money
can be perceived as successful in terms of material conditions. However
, in my opinion
the achievement of other areas, Add a comma
opinion,
such
as harmonious relationships
and good health, is absolutely more meaningful and successful for human beings. Therefore
, in order to achieve success
, it is recommended that people
pay more attention to relationships
and health.Submitted by sucsuc1123 on
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coherence cohesion
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more smoothly across paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure careful proofreading to correct minor grammatical errors and typos to enhance overall clarity.
task achievement
Expand on examples given, offering more detailed insights or statistics to strengthen arguments.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs detailing your views, and a concise conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt fully, presenting a balanced view on the importance of money in measuring success versus other factors.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as the mention of business persons, Steve Jobs, and contrasting life situations, effectively support your main points.