IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

the bar chart demonstrates how many sex that people had in given period

the bar chart demonstrates how many sex that people had in given period
The bar chart presents both males and females spending their leisure time from the year 1998 to 1999. comprising the employed full-time, employed part-time, unemployed, retired, and housewives.
According to
Linking Words
 the figure, it can be seen that most people from 1998 to 1999 are mostly unemployed and retired. As the figure shows, males in both years were mostly not employed and retried. They spent their time about well over 160
hours
Use synonyms
 per week, 80 each.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there were no men who were employed as part-time
and
Correct word choice
apply
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housewives in 1998-99. Same pattern as males,
Hours
Use synonyms
 on unemployment of females was the most, over 75
hours
Use synonyms
 per week as same as retried.
However
Linking Words
, housewives came the second place with slightly over 50
hours
Use synonyms
 compared to none of the men. The least
of
Change preposition
apply
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leisure time of women in that period was full-time jobs.

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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