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Band 5.5

Money spent on space exploration is a complete waste. Governments could better spend this money on other things to benefit the nation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #space #exploration #waste #governments #benefit #nation
For the
last
 few decades, officials of the countries
expended
Wrong verb form
have spent
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 a staggering amount of money on astronautics.
While
 I believe
that is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
worth studying
field
Add an article
the field
show examples
, I argue that prior to that
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 on
space
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 authorities should improve their areas. On the one hand,
space
 exploration has been the hottest topic of research
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the 21st century. To justify the rights for outgoings for
space
 exploration, as long as
this
field
 is a big concern for scientists, governments should be open to
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
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 funds for scientists for their investigations.
Hence
,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of the experts proclaim that findings from
cosmos
Correct article usage
the cosmos
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 can benefit the
earth
Capitalize word
Earth
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 in many aspects
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 unfamiliar materials and water from other planets.
However
, those are not proven theories.
On the other hand
, as long as we ( people of the earth) have limited knowledge about
this whole universe spendings
Change the determiner
this whole universe spending
these whole universe spendings
show examples
 on the outer world can be a total loss. People should acknowledge that waste
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
field
 has a risk.
Moreover
, in my opinion, we should make our territory better before expending resources to
galaxy
Correct article usage
the galaxy
show examples
due to
 two main reasons.
Firstly
, it is a considerable question whether or not we have to explore outer
space
 earlier than exploring our planet.
For example
, we still do not know much about
deep
Add an article
the deep
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 sea.
Secondly
, governments need to ensure is it really comfortable for everyone to live in their nations. In conclusion,
although
 astronautics is a very interesting
field
 for scientists and there is a probability for us to benefit from its findings, we must consider
about
Change preposition
apply
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its
Change the word
the
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 risks
for
Change preposition
of
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 spending a lot on
cosmos
Correct article usage
the cosmos
show examples
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
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before investigating deeply into
galaxy
Add an article
the galaxy
show examples
.
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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Task Achievement
Expand on your examples to provide more depth and make your arguments more persuasive.
Language
Be careful with the spelling and proper term usage, such as 'astronautics' and 'spendings,' to maintain clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to include a wider range of linking devices to improve the flow between your ideas.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion effectively bookend your argument, providing clear insight into your stance.
Argument Development
You did a great job of presenting both sides of the argument before stating your own viewpoint, which makes your essay balanced.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • complete waste
  • benefit the nation
  • technological advancements
  • foster
  • international cooperation
  • inspire
  • engage
  • boost the economy
  • long-term benefits
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