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Band 4.5

Who is your favourite singer? What do you like about him or her?

#favourite #singer
Listening to music is apparently
one
 of the relaxed activities that everybody in
this
 world has been doing. By that,
one
 may have his or her own
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
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 singers. I, myself,
also
 have many singers that I admire.
One
 of them is
Toon
 Bodyslam.
Toon
 is a lead singer for Bodyslam band,
one
 of the most famous rock
band
Fix the agreement mistake
bands
show examples
 from Thailand. He is
also
 known as P'
toon
. His
personalities
Fix the agreement mistake
personality
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 calm, polite and generous. On
one
 hand, He
become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 well-known for his distinctive
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
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 and wonderful lyrics.
In addition
, He always
give
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gives
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 100
percent
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per cent
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 to every performance he contributes, not only
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 music festivals that he
got
Wrong verb form
gets
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 paid
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for, but
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 the charity
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.
On the other hand
, He took advantage of his fame by setting a project called Kao, to encourage Thai people to donate their money to the hospital to help with the poverty patient. He ran from
Southern
Correct article usage
the Southern
show examples
 to the Northern part of Thailand in 55 days, at about 2,300
kilometers
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kilometres
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. He could
raised
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raise
show examples
 the money
approximately
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of approximately
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around
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one
 billion Thai baht. That money could help a lot of
hospital
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hospitals
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 and
patient
Fix the agreement mistake
patients
show examples
.
Additionally
,
this
 project has led many people to be more
concious
Correct your spelling
conscious
 and careful in their lives. Many people started to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise more regularly and eat healthier diets.
To sum up
, for the children to grow up and become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
, P'
toon
 is the
one
 that they can look up to and take him as a role model.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in expression to avoid minor grammatical errors and improve coherence.
task achievement
Work on refining sentence structure and word choice for a more polished and professional tone.
coherence cohesion
Good use of a structured format with clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Excellent use of specific examples and details to support your points about Toon Bodyslam.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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