IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
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It is believed that governments should invest in cutting environmental pollution and housing
issues
 in order to prevent
health
problems
. I stay neutral about
this
 assertion for several reasons. On the one hand, focusing on environmental pollution and housing
problems
 is beneficial to mitigate
the
Correct article usage
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illness and disease among people. Indeed, coping op with environmental
issues
 helps to create a fresh atmosphere and a trustful source of food and water which both have an essential role in maintaining good
health
.
Moreover
, providing accommodation for citizens will give them comfortable living conditions which alleviates the chance of widespread plagues and infections.
Therefore
, take measures on
problems
 associated with the environment and housing in favour of reducing
health
issues
 in society.
On the other hand
, there are several immediate
problems
 that occur frequently in the whole community day-to-day,
such
 as crimes and economic crises. Obviously, the
government
 should not overlook them as these
problems
 prompt thoroughly to chaos in society.
Furthermore
, the
government
 will become distrustful in the public eye via the lack of concentration on other unsettling
problems
. Apparently,
this
 will lead to the collapse of a nation, especially the laws and the orders.
Consequently
, it completely exerts negative impacts directly on the whole community,
due to
 the excessive focus of the
government
 on environmental and housing
issues
 rather than other immediate ones. On balance, I believe that focusing on
problems
 linked to the environment and accommodation can reduce the
health
problems
 in citizens.
However
, I
also
 believe that
government
 should have a multi-view of society's general
problems
 not just the narrow ones.

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Task Achievement
To strengthen your task achievement, ensure that your essay directly answers the question asked. A more definitive stance rather than staying neutral could make your argument stronger and enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will help in providing a more substantial argument and improving the relevance of your examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the coherence of your essay, try to make sure that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. Using linking words more effectively will enhance the logical flow of ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your conclusion further by summarizing your points more explicitly and stating your position more clearly. This will provide a stronger closure to your argument.
Introduction
You successfully introduced the topic and presented a balanced view, which is a good strategy for the given task.
Logical Structure
Your essay has a clear structure with separate paragraphs for each main point, making it easier to follow.
Supported Main Points
You bring up valid points on the importance of addressing both environmental and housing issues as well as other societal problems, which shows an ability to think critically about the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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