IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

How can the government ensure that people save enough money to live on when they are old?

The ever-increasing expectation of
people
Use synonyms
 for their quality of life,
as well as
Linking Words
 the yearly surge of inflation
as a result
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 of the economic crisis worldwide, has led community members to be in need of
money
Use synonyms
 more than ever in history. Presently, it is a major problem to accumulate enough wealth for old age to live in a comfortable condition. I,
therefore
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, attempt to outline some possible solutions that can be measured by the
government
Use synonyms
. A reduction in
tax
Use synonyms
 for those who have less competitive salaries would help them save up more
money
Use synonyms
. Complaining about the high amount of
tax
Use synonyms
 payments,
people
Use synonyms
 give up a certain percentage of their income to the state.
However
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, it might be fair enough to divide a community into different classes on the basis of their earnings. To be more precise, a
tax
Use synonyms
 increase for affluent society members would compensate for any drainage for poor families.
For example
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, the
tax
Use synonyms
 policy in the Netherlands works in a way that those who earn more than a certain annual salary should pay more than half of it to the
government
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 undoubtedly could help impoverished individuals manage their financial difficulties with greater ease or even save some
money
Use synonyms
 for their future.
In addition
Linking Words
, education can play a significant role as a game changer in different aspects.
Firstly
Linking Words
, by improving
people
Use synonyms
's awareness of financial strategies, less
money
Use synonyms
 would be spent on unimportant products, which is a result of a prevalent phenomenon among consumers called impulse buying.
Also
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, a knowledgeable society would often invest in shares and assets that could be helpful for them in the future.
On the other hand
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, a noticeable proportion of states'
money
Use synonyms
 is spent on jails and prisoners. Having been taught and educated about the moral issues or the retributions of criminals, teenagers tend to maintain law-abiding behaviour throughout their lifetime.
As a consequence
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, there would be fewer
people
Use synonyms
 in prison, which
subsequently
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 raises the
government
Use synonyms
's wealth and allows it to invest in somewhere else that could be beneficial for those in need. In conclusion, I would argue that states are capable of taking effective steps to help
people
Use synonyms
 make enough
money
Use synonyms
 so that they could be able to save funds for the elderly period. Classifying society based on their possession and managing the
tax
Use synonyms
 system would be in favour of both the country and destitute
people
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
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, the proliferation of valuable courses teaching individuals, especially children and teenagers, leads to a fall in
government
Use synonyms
 spending on unnecessary items.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs include a clear main idea supported by specific examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Integrate your examples more directly with the arguments you present for a smoother flow.
task achievement
Remember to directly address the essay prompt in your introduction and conclusion, explicitly stating how your points connect to ensuring people save enough for old age.
task achievement
Maintain consistency in your argumentation by ensuring all points clearly contribute to the topic of how government measures can support savings for old age.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a well-structured argument with a logical flow of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
task achievement
Effective use of specific examples, such as the tax policy in the Netherlands, to support your arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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