IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Spending on advanced computer systems by authorities is very beneficial for development but many oppose this trend. do you agree or disagree.

#computer #systems #authorities #development #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 think the
government
Use synonyms
 should waste their revenue on advanced
technology
Use synonyms
, but some
people
Use synonyms
 have
different
Add an article
a different
show examples
 view. I agree with the first because more modern
technology
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 countries,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would bring them to the top of the world. Admittedly, someone who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 access to the newest computer and
lastest
Correct your spelling
latest
show examples
 system often
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a significant benefit
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
those
Change preposition
to those
show examples
 who do not. The price of
newest
Add an article
the newest
a newest
show examples
 component would be so expensive at the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
, but the benefits are worth it.
Firstly
Linking Words
, that can connect
people
Use synonyms
 around the nations and for some security reasons, the tools must stay up to date because there are many hackers that want to
stole
Change the verb
steal
show examples
 the national
datas
Correct your spelling
data
. Communication is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important thing in our lives
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because as a human we need to socialize with each other. We often
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
use
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 or
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 to make a call to others. They use signals that
Add a missing verb
are spreaded
show examples
spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
 by
tower
Add an article
a tower
the tower
show examples
 which only has 10
kilometers
Change the spelling
kilometres
show examples
 radius. Authorities need to install at least 10.000 towers in one country. Even though that would waste a billion dollars
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
government
Use synonyms
it self
Correct your spelling
itself
show examples
 would
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 that movement.
For example
Linking Words
,
Ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of Information from Indonesia
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands
show examples
 of tower
asset
Fix the agreement mistake
assets
show examples
 that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been
builded
Correct your spelling
built
show examples
 since
18th
Correct article usage
the 18th
show examples
 century. The purpose is just to make
easier
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the information
spreading
Wrong verb form
spread
show examples
 from one island to another. Personal data
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
seems
Wrong verb form
seem
show examples
 not important for persons who do not care about their safety. Some
people
Use synonyms
 with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
IT
technology
Use synonyms
 can
stole
Change the verb form
steal
show examples
 that and reap our money easily. Hackers used myriad newest
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 to pass the
government
Use synonyms
 firewall.
Thats
Correct your spelling
That's
show examples
 why
government
Use synonyms
 should bite the bullet to ensure the security of their
datas
Correct your spelling
data
. In conclusion,
technology
Use synonyms
 can be a key to
reach
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
world class
Add a hyphen
world-class
show examples
 country. Even though that
costly
Add a missing verb
is costly
show examples
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
spreading information is more important.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, authorities need to make sure the personal data of their residents.
Submitted by rifkiw1205 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Thesis
Ensure your introduction more clearly states your position on the topic. A thesis statement would help clarify your stance.
Sentence Structure
Use more varied and complex sentence structures to improve the sophistication of your writing.
Accuracy & Specificity
Check the accuracy and specificity of historical and geographical references to strengthen your arguments.
Transitions & Flow
Establish clearer transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
Grammar & Accuracy
Review and correct grammatical errors to enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
Use of Examples
You've effectively used examples to support your main points, illustrating the benefits of investing in technology.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes the essay's main points and reiterates your position, contributing to a well-rounded argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: