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Band 4.5

In the current society, many people are struggling with obesity. What are the main causes of this? What are the effects?

#society #people #obesity #effects
These days a number of people are facing problems with fat and gaining weight around the world. In the upcoming paragraph, I will discuss the cause of
this
 problem and its effects.
To begin
 with, eating junk and unhygienic foodstuff is the biggest route cause of obesity in
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
show examples
as well as
 in children. To elaborate , there are numerous high-fat dishes available in the market which contain a lot of calories and after eating that kind of junky bread people become fat.
For example
, if individuals go to restaurants they would prefer to eat pizza and
other fatty snack
Change the wording
another fatty snack
other fatty snacks
show examples
 rather than healthy and vegetable meals.
Moreover
, pupils usually avoid exercise and manual activities
such
 as walking, cycling and outdoor games which
also
 help to get fat to the body.
Furthermore
, there are various effects of eating unhealthy cuisine and ignoring physical performance.
Firstly
, it affects
Correct article usage
the
show examples
community's health and lifestyle which provides them with many diseases
such
 as coronary heart disease, liver failure and many more health issues.
Secondly
, humans become lazy and tired.
Due to
this
, they lose their interest in exercise.
Overall
, If folk will never quit eating junky food and never try to do physical exercise they would face health issues and get obese day by day.
Submitted by jeetsarb1481965 on

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clarity & depth
In developing paragraphs about the causes and effects of obesity, ensure each cause and effect is clearly explored with specific examples. This adds depth and clarity to your essay.
sentence structure
Consider including a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay. For example, compound and complex sentences can help to convey relationships between ideas more effectively.
accuracy
Be mindful of using appropriate terms and phrases. Instead of 'route cause', the correct term is 'root cause'. Such inaccuracies can distract from the overall message.
structure
You have effectively provided an introduction, developed paragraphs for the causes and effects, and concluded your essay, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.
examples
You've included relevant examples to support your points, which is great for illustrating your arguments. Try to further elaborate on these examples to make your point stronger.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • genetic predisposition
  • exacerbated
  • nutrient-deficient
  • caloric intake
  • socioeconomic factors
  • psychological factors
  • chronic diseases
  • discrimination
  • healthcare costs
  • stigma
What to do next:
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