IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Today's school should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #students #world
It is believed that in
todays
Change noun form
today's
show examples
 rapidly changing world, the importance of teaching financial literacy in educational organisations cannot be overstated. I strongly agree with the given opinion, as students will learn how to be financially stable throughout their lives and make effective financial choices. First of all, individuals, who are aware of money management skills, tend to have less complexities with finances. Those lessons inform learners about saving, investing and budgeting, and the stated skills are essential in the modern world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
people
 with skills are more productive members of the workforce.
Furthermore
, by providing all students, regardless of their
backgorund
Correct your spelling
background
, with
acceess
Correct your spelling
access
 to fiscal education, the number of financially excluded
people
 can be reduced significantly.
Thus
, the general economic situation in the world can be altered.
For instance
,
people
 in Canada, where those lessons are held, work and save their money better.
Additionally
, financial literacy can foster
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 culture of responsible and accountable
people
. Most of the time, the absence of required knowledge causes debts and poverty.
For example
, there are 600 million poor
people
 around the planet and by incorporating wealth management lessons into
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 system governments can reduce
this
 number by 200 million. By gaining needed information, the current generation will shape
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 sustainable society with
people
 who make efficient economic decisions. Taking everything into account, the idea of integrating financial literacy into
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 curriculum ensures
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 stable society and increases
economic
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
 well-being of future generations.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary
Make sure to diversify your vocabulary to keep the essay engaging and to demonstrate a wide range of language skills.
Content
To improve clarity and impact, consider incorporating more specific, real-world examples to support your arguments. This gives your essay more depth and persuasiveness.
Grammar
Watch out for minor spelling and grammar inaccuracies. While they're not detrimental, refining these errors can polish your essay and make your arguments clearer.
Introduction
You've effectively introduced the topic and stated your opinion, providing a clear structure from the start.
Structure
Your essay follows a logical structure, guiding the reader through your arguments cohesively.
Conclusion
The conclusion neatly wraps up the discourse, reinforcing your stance and summarizing key points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial literacy
  • modern economy
  • student debt
  • mitigate
  • practical financial skills
  • budgeting
  • saving
  • investing
  • income inequality
  • psychological benefits
  • financial security
  • traditional education
  • financial independence
  • technology
  • personal finance management
  • global perspective
  • entrepreneurship
  • curriculum
What to do next:
Look at other essays: