IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children spent a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games, however it does not improve their mental abilities. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #tv #computer #games #abilities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a huge number of
children
Use synonyms
 now spending a ridiculous amount of time in front of their TV or computer. It is the opinion of
this
Linking Words
 writer that playing video
games
Use synonyms
 and watching TV does not enhance
children
Use synonyms
’s intellectual or mental skills. It is crucial to understand that staring at a computer screen for hours will cause very few areas of
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 brain to
active
Add a missing verb
be active
show examples
.
Due to
Linking Words
 the fact that, currently, most
children
Use synonyms
 have autism, language disorders or
fattigue
Correct your spelling
fatigue
 partly because their parents let them use electronic devices too much,
instead
Linking Words
 of having health promotion activities.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, these
children
Use synonyms
 will be disadvantaged in terms of physical and mental health.
Therefore
Linking Words
, activities like reading or drawing
activates
Change the verb form
activate
show examples
 many areas of the brain.
In addition
Linking Words
, physical activity
also
Linking Words
 helps with brain development. Another key component of the case for spending too much time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 and television can affect
children
Use synonyms
's thoughts and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. It should be self-evident that parents cannot completely control the content that their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 receive. In
this
Linking Words
 situation, many
children
Use synonyms
 learn negative things through violent video
games
Use synonyms
 or depraved movies. It must be noted that young
children
Use synonyms
 often tend to imitate what they see and think it is right.
As a result
Linking Words
, there are some tragic accidents or serious incidents
occurred
Wrong verb form
that occur
show examples
 because of
children
Use synonyms
’s impulsiveness.
To sum up
Linking Words
, it can be seen that movies and
games
Use synonyms
 have a great influence on the development process of teenagers. For that reason, it should have been demonstrated that creative activities will contribute to bringing more benefits to
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your argument progresses logically from one point to the next.
style
Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to make your writing more engaging and to avoid repetition.
content
Make sure to provide specific examples and evidence for your arguments. This strengthens your essay and makes it more persuasive.
accuracy
Be cautious with broad or unsupported claims, such as suggesting 'most children have autism, language disorders or fatigue' due to electronic device use. Ensure arguments are well-supported and accurately reflect the complexity of the issue.
structure
Your essay has a strong structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
perspective
You effectively argue your viewpoint, maintaining a clear perspective throughout the essay.
engagement
Your essay addresses the prompt directly, engaging with the topic comprehensively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • sedentary behavior
  • obesity
  • academic performance
  • social skills
  • mental health
  • attention problems
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • face-to-face interactions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: