IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that mobile phone conversations should be banned in crowded and social places, while others argue it is okay to be allowed. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, when technologies become the things without which we can not live,
people
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 use their smartphones to call in social places, and it invokes debates between
people
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. Some
people
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 think that it should be not allowed, meanwhile others believe
that is
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 not a problem. In
this
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 essay, l will give points for two sides and my own point of view. Using mobile phones to call should be banned because of several reasons.
To begin
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 with, the main claim of
people
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 who are against a telephone conversation in a crowded place is that it annoys and disrupts
people
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's peace.
For example
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, when a big family comes to the park to spend time together, and someone loudly talks on a mobile phone, it annoys
people
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, who come to the park for family enjoyment and relaxation or when
people
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 are in a café, it is very hard to be concentrated on food,
while
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 somebody there has a loud dialogue through the phone.
However
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, I strongly believe that Individuals should not be limited by where they may use smartphones to call.
This
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 is because our modern society
,
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apply
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 mainly builds around the idea of materialism.
Therefore
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, having access to calls everywhere to anyone is a fundamental thing today. If
people
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 will not be allowed to call in public places, it can bring tremendous drawbacks for some
people
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.
For instance
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, an employee of the shop forgot to return the keys to the boss, and he turned off his phone because he was at the restaurant,
while
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 his boss was trying to find him. Simultaneously,
this
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 shop missed thousands of dollars. In conclusion, everywhere
telephone
Correct article usage
the telephone
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 should be allowed to be used, and it is the anger of surroundings or something else, it will cost much more lower in comparison with one, but very important missed call.

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coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to add complexity and flow to your essay. This can improve the coherence and make your arguments more persuasive.
task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure that your examples are tightly relevant to the arguments you're making. Elaborating on how specific examples support your point will strengthen your argument.
general
Be cautious of the small grammatical errors and spelling inconsistencies. While these are minor, paying attention to detail can polish your writing and make your argument clearer.
task achievement
You've done an excellent job of discussing both viewpoints on the issue of mobile phone use in public places before stating your own opinion, which aligns with the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively bookend your arguments, providing a clear structure.
general
Your writing showcases an attempt to use diverse vocabulary relevant to the topic, which enriches the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disrupt
  • Infringe
  • Social rudeness
  • Public transport
  • Necessity
  • Convenience
  • Emergencies
  • Personal freedom
  • Designated areas
  • Compromise
  • Context
  • Advocating
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