Write about the following topic: It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your ownknowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #people #risks #lives #ownknowledge

It is true that people usually will not suggest others

Fix the infinitive

apply

show examples

take a

risk

as it may lead to a total

lost

Replace the word

loss

show examples

, but I believe that the

benifits

Correct your spelling

benefits

of taking

risks

are way more than the drawbacks. Obviously, taking

risks

means a grab of the opportunity to

success

Replace the word

succeed

show examples

. There are old sayings

goes

Verb problem

apply

show examples

like "no pain, no gain".

Success

can not be easily gained,

therefore

it is the person who

have

Change the verb form

has

show examples

the courage to take the

risk

and grab the opportunity

can

Correct pronoun usage

that can

show examples

approach

Remove the preposition

apply

show examples

success

. Take the most wealthy man Ma Yun

for example

. When he was young, he dropped school before he decided to start his own company. It was an entirely new corporation

then

, nobody

trust

Wrong verb form

trusted

show examples

that he

can

Wrong verb form

could

show examples

succeed. No wonder,

quit

Wrong verb form

quitting

show examples

school to

extabilish

Correct your spelling

establish

a company which totally started a new

corporate

Replace the word

corporation

show examples

is a

risk

However

, he

choose

Wrong verb form

chose

show examples

to take the

risk

, and with his efforts, he

finally

reached his goal.

Similarly

, Steven Jobs had the same story with him.

Therefore

, I hold the view that taking

risks

means grabbing an opportunity to succeed.

Moreover

, taking

risks

taught people how to be responsible

Change preposition

for

show examples

themselves. It is obvious that a

risk

can contribute to

extra

Correct article usage

an extra

show examples

bonus, but it is the possible failure it may

caused

Wrong verb form

cause

show examples

that

droves

Replace the word

drives

show examples

people back.

However

, I believe that

evaluate

Wrong verb form

evaluating

show examples

the possibility of failure and

take

Wrong verb form

taking

show examples

the

respensibility

Correct your spelling

responsibility

Change preposition

for

show examples

their decision whether to take the

risk

or not is important for adults. In order to be responsible for their own life, the decision will be considered more serious.

Therefore

, the

risk taking

Add a hyphen

risk-taking

show examples

become

Wrong verb form

becomes

show examples

more meaningful

eventhough

Correct your spelling

even though

you may experience a

lost

Replace the word

loss

show examples

Overall

, discussing

about

Remove the preposition

apply

show examples

both

success

Correct article usage

the success

show examples

and

fail

Replace the word

failure

show examples

result

Fix the agreement mistake

results

show examples

of taking a

risk

, I believe that the advantages of it overweigh the disadvantages.

Submitted by 1434110674 on Wed Apr 03 2024

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Language accuracy

Ensure consistency in spelling (benefit not 'benifit', established not 'extabilish', weigh not 'overweigh') and grammar for clarity and professionalism.

Sentence variability

Try to diversify your sentence structures to enhance the readability of your essay.

Tone of writing

Use formal language consistently avoiding informal terms or expressions.

Task response

You made a clear argument emphasizing the advantages of taking risks, addressing the essay topic directly.

Essay structure

Your essay was well-structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.

Use of examples

You provided concrete examples (Ma Yun, Steve Jobs) to support your arguments, making your essay more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
30Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

291 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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