IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that mobile phone conversations should be banned in crowded and social places, while others argue it is okay to be allowed. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #phone #conversations #places
It is true that cellphone usage is more significant for society.Some hold that individuals that mobile usage should be agreed upon in public environments and human gathering places.
Whereas
others
 believe different arguments,that it is possible to be conservation.
This
 essay intends not only to analyse both views but
also
 to explain why I am in favour of the former viewpoint.
On the other hand
, proponents of the first view consider that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
using electronic
phones
 in social places is basically used for their day-to-day purposes.
To begin
 with, mankind practices continuing their connection with families and friends in different ways.
In other words
, during their official working hours, they had to manage multi-task duties through their smartphones.
As a result
 of joining Zoom meetings, checking emails and answering phone calls.The next prominent thing to tell here,if emergency case they should have to continue their connection with
others
 because
that is
 the very essential thing for them.
Finally
, making good connectivity among
others
 ,doing more job-related duties and keeping better bonds which emergency times allowed to conservation of mobile drives in the public environment.
On the other hand
, supporters of the latter new claim that using smartphone devices in public range should banned . Another vital point to consider is that it may disturb
others
likewise
 in the temple, church or any religious place
while
 they are worshipping.
Furthermore
, students or other exam candidates in exam halls it already not allowed to use or take mobile
phones
according to
 exam rules and regulations.
Finally
, using cell
phones
 in outside places is
also
 harmful to other concentration and engaging rules . In conclusion, every viewpoint has its own logic,
although
 banning to use of electronic gadgets in public fields and I strongly believe that no other factor can be more important than allowing to conservation of mobile
phones
 in crowded areas the most. In a balanced approach,both using
phones
 in local areas and banning should be given equal helping hands in cell phone use in crowded and outside environments
Submitted by nimeshafernando126 on

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structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. This makes your argument more convincing.
language
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make your essay more engaging.
content
You've done a good job discussing both viewpoints on the topic as well as stating your own position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disrupt
  • Infringe
  • Social rudeness
  • Public transport
  • Necessity
  • Convenience
  • Emergencies
  • Personal freedom
  • Designated areas
  • Compromise
  • Context
  • Advocating
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