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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that primary schools focus too much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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All the evidence suggests that many individuals believe that primary
schools
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 pay more attention to formal education. I disagree with
this
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 idea because young people should grow up without violence from their
parents
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they should form their own opinions. The main reasons are that the young generation must grow up without
parents
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' control
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they should have their own perspective on their lives. The first idea is that
children
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 should choose their jobs based on their own opinions, not from their
parents
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 or relatives. Nowadays, a lot of
parents
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 say to their sons or daughters, "You must learn math, English, history, mother tongue, or law." Their
children
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 cannot ignore their
parents
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' sentences
and
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, and
show examples
 they will start studying. They go to private
schools
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 because public
schools
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 do not teach
as well as
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 private
education
Check wording
schools
show examples
. And teachers do not want to teach
as well as
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 in private
schools
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. In government
schools
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, teachers teach excellently
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 students do not want to study;
however
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, private
schools
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 teach
similarly
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 to public
schools
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,
although
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 students want to study because they pay for the education system. The second reason is that
children
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 must decide on their subjects and think about their own future. I can say that young
children
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 should choose subjects that are interesting to them, especially those who are interested in drawing, playing instruments, or dancing, and they should follow
this
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 path for their future and career. They can explain their job choice to their
parents
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, like saying, "I love my future work, I cannot do another job, and I do not like other work." And they can choose subjects,
for example
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, music or drawing pictures,
instead
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 of math or history. In conclusion, at
this
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 time, many people think private
schools
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 teach better than public
schools
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.

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task response
Answer both parts of the task more directly. Say clearly how far you agree, and say why play is important in class.
task response
Keep your ideas on the topic. Your essay talks a lot about parents and job choice, but the task is about primary school, formal learning, and play.
task response
Use examples about young children in school. For example, talk about games, group work, art, and learning by play.
task response
Make one clear main idea in each body paragraph, and support it with simple reasons and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion, but the conclusion does not answer the full question. Write a short final answer to both parts.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Use simple words like first, also, for example, because, so, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat or move away from the main point. Try to stay on one point before you move to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is clear, but the order of ideas is weak. Start with your opinion, then explain, then give an example.
task response
You gave a clear opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
You used separate paragraphs for your main ideas.
task response
You tried to support your ideas with examples from life.
coherence and cohesion
You used some simple linking words like the first idea, the second reason, and in conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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