IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own

#people #music #cultures #ages
It is true that some
people
 believe
music
 is a bridge to connect
people
 from different
cultures
 and ages.
While
 I agree
music
 is a form of common feelings expression,
people
 who are older or conservative may refuse to understand
music
 from different
cultures
. The reason why
people
 feel connected with others from various
cultures
 or ages is that despite the language barrier they can perceive the emotions conveyed by
music
,
such
 as happiness, sadness or gloom. To be specific, many patterns in melody and rhythms can activate certain areas in our brains, and
therefore
 we will respond to the
music
 with pleasure or excitement.
For instance
, when
people
 hear a song with fast-paced speed, they are likely to spontaneously dance to it and enjoy the moment together.
That is
 why Gangnam Style is so popular worldwide.
However
, it’s difficult for the elderly or those who are conservative to understand pop
music
. They get used to the kind of
music
 they heard when they were young and dislike some new forms of expression like K-pop
music
. Because of
this
, those
people
 usually have a generation gap with their children and don’t know how to talk with their younger families.
For example
, in some immigrant families, parents tend to argue with their children about the
music
 they are listening to
due to
 the fact that children are grown up in new countries and are keen on the
music
 there which is different from those in their previous country. In conclusion,
while
music
 is regarded as the common expression of feeling, there are some
people
 who still cannot accept
music
 from other
cultures
.
Submitted by 609438328 on

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your argument covers both sides of the issue in depth. While you handled the topic well, a more thorough exploration could provide a more balanced view and enhance clarity for the reader.
Coherence & Cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, continue to clarify the topic and your stance. This was effectively done, adding to the coherence of your essay. Just ensure every part of the essay reinforces these components.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance your coherence and cohesion, focus on the transitions between paragraphs. Currently, your essay flows well, but smoother transitions could make the argument even more compelling.
Understanding
You effectively captured the essence of how music can bridge cultural and age differences, showing a strong understanding of the topic.
Examples
The real-world example of 'Gangnam Style' excellently illustrates your point, enhancing your argument with tangible evidence.
Structure
Your essay structure, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, is commendable and contributes to its overall clarity and readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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