IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The only way to improve road safety is to give much stricter punishments on driving offenses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#road #safety #punishments #offenses
It is universally admitted that the ever-alarming rate of
traffic
 accidents is
one
 of the thorniest issues concerning governments the world over. Amongst the arguments surrounding how to improve
traffic
 safety,
one
 school of thought claims that
this
 aim could solely be realized by disciplining
traffic
 offenders
stricter
Replace the word
strictly
show examples
.
While
this
 course of action works to a certain extent, I would not believe that it is the only solution to
such
 a problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and am going to suggest other measures that are no less viable. It is understandable why some advocate tightening the punitive sanctions upon
traffic
 violators. The key rationale behind
this
 notion is that doing so would deter
traffic
 participants from breaking
road
 regulations. Deterrent measures,
such
 as levying a hefty fine on
traffic
 light runners or indefinitely confiscating driver's licences of those who drive under the influence, would go a long way in ensuring the culture of safe driving among the masses, contributing to lower rates of
traffic
-related fatalities and injuries.
Therefore
, it seems sensible
why
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 punishing
traffic
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
 more aggressively is
one
 of the valid proposals.
However
, to say that issuing heavier punishments is the sole solution to the problem of
road
 safety seems rather short-sighted, since there could be other remedies as follows.
First,
fixing
road
 defects
such
 as potholes, poor-conditioned signage and uneven
surface
Fix the agreement mistake
surfaces
show examples
 would be
effectual
Replace the word
effective
show examples
 in curbing the incidence of
traffic
 accidents occasioned by said
road
 imperfections.
Second,
and perhaps most importantly, the public's awareness of
traffic
 security should be raised. Since most vehicle crashes arguably stem from poor driving
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, educating the populace
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how driving safely could spare not only their lives but
also
 others' would directly confront
one
 of the root causes of
traffic
 accidents. In conclusion,
while
 imposing stricter penalties on
traffic
 law-breakers is indeed
one
 of the approaches that may yield desirable results, I am against the idea that only by adopting
this
 solution could
traffic
 safety improve
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since there could still be other effective measures as mentioned above.
Submitted by nhuquynhbn2004 on

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Sentence Structure
Consider varying your sentence structure more to enhance readability and maintain the reader's interest throughout the essay. While your sentences are well constructed, greater variation can add dynamism to your writing.
Supporting Evidence
For even stronger essays, try to include even more specific examples or data to support your arguments. While you've provided relevant examples, more detailed evidence can further strengthen your positions and make your arguments more persuasive.
Argumentation
The essay adeptly addresses the proposition, recognizing its validity but also arguing convincingly for a broader perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay exhibits a high level of coherence and cohesion, with a clear logical structure that effectively guides the reader through your arguments.
Content Development
You effectively developed each point with relevant support, contributing to a comprehensive exploration of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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