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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
Beyond doubt, there are many discussions revolving around the issue of whether being good person lessons should be given to
children
 by their
parents
 or other people agree with these are taught by
schools
. From my perspective, I
support
 both ideas. In the next paragraphs, I will delve into the main reasons in their detail. First of all, why
parents
 should teach their
children
 because they spend a lot of time with their
children
 and take care of their
children
. It is apparent that
parents
 are idols for most
children
.
For
this
 reason, many
children
 want to resemble their mother or father even sometimes it happens unconsciously.
Consequently
, good
traits
 which are taught by
parents
 can be very effective. If people take all
this
 into account,
parents
 should try to be careful around their
children
, and introduce good behaviour. I believe that families have an important influence on their
children
’s behaviour,
therefore
, they ought to teach their
children
 to be good
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
On the other hand
, school is
also
 an important place which gives significant pieces of knowledge related to good behaviours. Many
children
 listen to their teacher’s advice because they believe their teacher is always right.
Furthermore
, teachers pass excellent courses about
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 psychology
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 they understand the way to teach these. Indirectly, good behaviours can be given productive by teachers because of scientific methods. In my opinion,
schools
 should
support
 some pieces of knowledge about good behaviours because they have a good methodology
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
.
To sum up
, I
support
 the idea that good
traits
 should be taught by eighter
schools
 or families because
children
 spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half time with their
parents
 and other teachers. Both have equal importance on the
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 learning of good
traits
. Neglecting one does not mean another one is enough.
That is
 why eighter
parents
 or
schools
 should provide good
traits
 learning, and tightly
support
 each other.
Submitted by sabinanezar93 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a good structure and clarity in arguing both views, expressing your opinion effectively. To enhance your task performance, incorporating more specific examples or real-life scenarios would make your argument more comprehensive and convincing.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you've organized your essay well, with clear paragraphs for each view, and a balanced conclusion. Improving transitions between ideas and within paragraphs can make your essay even smoother to read.
task response
You have clearly stated your opinion and discussed both views thoroughly, which is excellent for task response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-defined, summarizing the main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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