IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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There are some nations where military
service
Use synonyms
 is compulsory for teenagers just after they finish high school, either men or women. I disagree with
this
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 policy because some
people
Use synonyms
 are not prepared to do
this
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 kind of training and some of them do not have the required skills.
To begin
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, the main problem is the fact of forcing anyone around 18 years old to
attend
Verb problem
join
show examples
 the Armed Forces. Some
people
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 perhaps do not like
this
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 type of
service
Use synonyms
 or sometimes do have not the proper physical abilities.
As a result
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, these
people
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 will become bad soldiers and others cannot be selected.
For example
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, in Brazil, when a boy complete 18 years old, he has to apply for compulsory military
service
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. The majors are dismissed, by chance,
due to
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 the limitation of vacations. So, some
people
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 more prepared to do
this
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service
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 cannot attend,
whereas
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 others not prepared can be chosen.
Moreover
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,
this
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 period of working for the Armed Forces can difficult for
further
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 studies to enrol on a university. Considering that the usual time for
this
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 compulsory job is around 1 year,
people
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 have to wait
this
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 time to apply for tertiary education.
As a consequence
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, these young men will be late to attend university and work in the future.
On the other hand
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, there are some benefits to adopting
this
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 system, especially in developing countries where there are few options for
further
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 education. So, the military
service
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 can be an opportunity for poor
people
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to begin
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 a career.
Additionally
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, military
service
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 is a good way to make new friends and learn some values
such
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 as honour, discipline, and responsibility.
To conclude
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, I believe that
this
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 sort of
service
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 should be optional. Only men or women that like
this
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 area should do it. In
this
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 way, the results for the country will be better and
people
Use synonyms
 will attend more happily.

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Task Achievement
Consider the perspective of supporting your main points with more varied and specific examples. This will strengthen your argument and provide a more comprehensive understanding of your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words to enhance the flow of your essay. While your essay is structured logically, additional cohesive devices could improve the overall coherence.
Task Achievement
Try to explore both sides of the argument with equal depth. Although you've provided some benefits of military service, a more balanced exploration could enrich your essay's persuasive element.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly present your position, effectively framing your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your arguments are well-structured, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.
Task Achievement
The use of a real-life example (Brazil) provides a tangible context to your argument, enhancing the reader's engagement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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