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Band 5

Many people aim to improve their living standard by economic development, but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #aim #development #values
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A lot of people opt to improve their quality of life through economic growth.
As a result
, some crucial social values are lost.
However
, I think the merits of economic development outweigh the demerits.
To begin
 with, economic growth has several advantages.
First,
it is beneficial to improve education level. To be specific, as a country becomes economically successful, the government can invest more money
on
Change preposition
in
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 education.
Thus
, it empowers the individual's knowledge.
Consequently
, the number of well-educated workforce increases.
Moreover
, as the economy grows, healthcare services will
also
 improve.
Hence
, economic development is a focal point of developing
overall
Correct article usage
the overall
show examples
 well-being of the nation.
However
, not all aspects of
this
 trend are advantageous. The more the economy becomes successful, the more individuals lose their social values. To illustrate, for business achievement, people should work overtime and
thus
, it culminates in reduced family time and socializing opportunities.
For instance
, South Korea, which experienced dramatic economic success, always rank highly in working hours.
Hence
, economic accomplishment is not always favourable to society. In my view, the most paramount aim of the society should be protecting the vulnerable.
Therefore
,
although
 economic development brings some disadvantages, it is highly beneficial as it guarantees
overall
 well-being, which positively
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
vulnerable groups
such
 as the elderly, women, and children.
To conclude
, I firmly believe that the benefits outweigh the shortcomings of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth because it is favourable to attract investment towards healthcare and education facilities, which is
consequently
 helpful to socially disadvantaged groups.
Submitted by aahhyu111 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a stronger integration of examples with your main points. While the essay provides relevant examples, a deeper exploration or additional examples could enhance the argument further.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking phrases to improve flow and enhance cohesion within and between paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay introduces and concludes the topic effectively, setting a clear framework for your discussion.
Task Achievement
You have successfully addressed all parts of the task, providing a balanced view with a clear personal stance.
Task Achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the reference to South Korea, effectively supports your arguments and enriches the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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