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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case?Do you think this is a positive or a negativedevelopment?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #negativedevelopment
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Nowadays lots of kids are addicted to mobile
phones
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 ,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
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 they spend
many
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much
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 time
of
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apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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day on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. I suppose that’s not a positive
development
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.
As
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With
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 the
development
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 of technology
smartphones
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 have become a part of our daily life,
due to
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 convenience. Most
of
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apply
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student
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students
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 and
children
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 need
smartphones
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 to help with
there
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their
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 education,
for instance
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 in many developed countries students hand in
assignment
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assignments
show examples
 with their mobile
phone
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phones
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, which is more efficient and convenient. In
this
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case
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case,
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they
Correct your spelling
the
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 tutors can know more about their students. What’s more
due to
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 the covid 19 there is a new kind of teaching way which is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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online class, with
the
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apply
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smartphones
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 students have
chance
Correct article usage
the chance
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 to learn knowledge wherever and whenever they want.
Additionally
Linking Words
 smartphone is
also
Linking Words
 a contact device.
Instead
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 of telephones or letters, mobile
phone
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phones
show examples
 are more convenient with more functions,
such
Linking Words
 as sending
message
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messages
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, having video calls……
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 most of the families would prepare
phones
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 for their kids. In
this
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way
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way,
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 they believe
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 could be safer, because of the connection. In my
viewpoint
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viewpoint,
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this
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 is a negative
development
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. At
a
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apply
show examples
first point, I believe that
smartphones
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 can easily influence
children
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 negatively because they are not mature enough.
To begin
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 with, kids may be induced by the games accessed by
phones
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due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of self-control.
For
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instance
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instance,
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 almost 60% of
children
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 use
phone
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phones
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 to play games
instead
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 of using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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educational tools.
This
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 apparently wastes their time.
Linking Words
Additionally
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Additionally,
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children
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 lack adequate judgement,
result
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resulting
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 in a lack of
clarify
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clarity
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whether
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on whether
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 the information is good or bad since they may be easy to
be misguide
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be misguided
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 by some
message
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messages
show examples
 on the internet. A young boy ,
for
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instance
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instance,
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 could be tempted by the advertisement on the smartphone and
then
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 gamble online.
This
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 absolutely leads him to a criminal way. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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smartphones
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 are hitting every
conner
Correct your spelling
corner
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 of the world
due to
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its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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children
Use synonyms
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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 too much time on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 is not a positive
development
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by fiasngs on

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Introduction Clarity
Be clear and direct in your introduction regarding your viewpoint on whether it's a positive or negative development. This can help set a strong foundation for your arguments.
Balanced Argumentation
Attempt to provide a more balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, even if you lean towards one side. This can enrich your essay and showcase a deeper analysis.
Sentence Variety & Transitional Phrases
Use varied sentence structures and transitional phrases to improve the flow of your essay and make your arguments clearer.
Proofreading
Be cautious of minor spelling or grammatical errors that might distract the reader. Proofreading can help eliminate these errors and polish your essay.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Conclusion
The essay provides a clear conclusion that reflects back on the arguments presented, which is essential for a strong finish.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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