IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Marketers should not be allowed to target children in their advertisements. Would you agree or disagree with this statement?

#marketers #target #children #advertisements
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Nowadays, It is apparent that
advertisements
 play a significant part in human daily lives. They inform us about products and services
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and can shape our preferences.
However
, they
also
 can influence vulnerable groups like kids. In light of that, It is the reason why it caused some people to think that it is best to avoid targeting
children
 in
advertisements
. Personally speaking, I believe that
advertisements
 should not target
children
, as it is crucial to protect them from harmful marketing practices. Certainly, choosing to target
children
 in marketing may not lead to direct profits for marketers because
children
 do not have the ability to make independent purchasing decisions. Since they rely on their parents or guardians for buying products, the impact on sales may be limited.
Moreover
, Advertising aimed at
children
also
 puts pressure on parents to fulfil their
children
’s expectations From my perspective, restrictions on targeting young people in
advertisements
 can be beneficial.
Children
Change noun form
Children's
show examples
 offspring may not have the same level of understanding as adults and can be easily tricked. Fancy advertising techniques can lead to numerous unhealthy habits,
such
 as excessive consumption of snacks or drinks, which can have long-term health issues. Companies and governments need to be careful and make sure ads are fair, especially for kids. In conclusion,
although
 there are different opinions on whether marketers should target
children
 in
advertisements
, I believe that
advertisements
 should be limited, especially when it comes to targeting
children
. Being responsible for young people in
advertisements
 can be profitable for their
overall
 well-being and development.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Cohesion
Try to clearly distinguish your main ideas and paragraphs. It's good to have a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to signal to the reader what the paragraph will discuss.
Coherence
Utilize a variety of linking devices more effectively to improve the flow of your essay. This can include conjunctions, adverbials, and synonyms to ensure variety and sophistication.
Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure to address all parts of the task. A more balanced approach by discussing the potential benefits of marketing towards children, followed by a rebuttal, could enrich your argument.
Introduction/Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and well-crafted, providing a strong framework for your essay.
Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, showcasing a logical flow of ideas and a structured approach.
Supported Points
You've included relevant examples and reasons to support your opinion, which strengthens the argument made in your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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