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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is better to build new museums and town halls instead of renovating the old ones. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #museums #town #halls #ones
Museums
 and
Town
 halls are becoming part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society nowadays. Some individuals claim that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is beneficial to construct modern
museums
 and
town
buildings
other
Correct your spelling
rather
show examples
 than renovating the outmoded ones. I strongly agree that new
museums
 should be built as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will provide more space and include modern architecture which will be accessible to visitors and
also
 great jobs for the community. There are many advantages of building
museums
 and
town
 centres.
Firstly
, the construction of new facilities incorporates modern design and technology and
providing
Wrong verb form
provides
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 more accessible space.
This
 attracts tourists as they are intrigued by the design and will like to explore the area as there will
facilities
Add a missing verb
be facilities
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 for visitors to enjoy their stay at the museum.
For instance
, the building of Kwame Nkrumah
historical museum
Correct your spelling
Historical Museum
show examples
 in Ghana included great
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
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 and has increased its amenities to include many modern departments
such
 as the library, restaurants, exhibition halls etc.
Also
,
due to
 its expansion and facility, many local people have been employed in various fields and
this
 has reduced the unemployment rate.
On the other hand
, people affirm that the old museum should be renovated because they believe renovating the old
buildings
 will help maintain historical continuity and preserve cultural heritage. They believe that the history there will be lost when they are destroyed
hence
, keeping it with slight change is the best.
In addition
, it is believed that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 preserving old
buildings
 can foster a sense of identity.
New
Add an article
The new
A new
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 generation will know their
linage
Correct your spelling
lineage
show examples
 as the same history will be passed down to them. In conclusion,
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
 of new
museums
 and
town
 halls opens enormous advantages to local residents and should be encouraged even though preserving historic
buildings
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 keep cultural heritage and foster a sense of identity in the community.
Submitted by dede on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to demonstrate clear connections between ideas. This will help the flow of your essay and make your arguments more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Although your essay provides a comprehensive response to the question, delve deeper into your reasoning and provide more varied examples to support your views. This will help to enrich your argument and make your essay more compelling.
Task Achievement
You have clearly outlined your position and provided relevant examples to support your arguments, which makes your essay persuasive and engaging.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow and understand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern design
  • functional
  • accessible
  • stimulate
  • local economies
  • tourists
  • historical continuity
  • cultural heritage
  • environmentally friendly
  • financial inefficiency
  • energy-efficient
  • societal cohesion
  • infrastructure
  • preserve
  • refurbishment
  • sustainability
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