IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some countries achieve international success by building specialized facilities to train top athletes instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think it is a positive or negative development？

#countries #success #facilities #train #athletes #sports #development？
It is argued that a
country
to reach
Change the verb form
reaches
show examples
international
Correct article usage
an international
show examples
 reputation by establishing professional
facilities
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elite
athletes
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 providing public
facilities
 for citizens. In my opinion, it brings more negative impacts for a
country
. On the one hand, people consider that the government
establishes
Wrong verb form
establishing
show examples
 more professional
facilities
 for
elite
athletes
 has positive influences on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 finance and image of a
country
.
Firstly
, the government creates more income.
Elite
athletes
 will want to come
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
country
 for the top training,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a result, it can bring a
country
 more income.
Secondly
, establish a national
profession
Replace the word
professional
show examples
 image. In order to improve training efficiency and results,
elite
athletes
 from all over the world will willing to go
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
country
 for training, which can help the
country
 establish the professional image of
elite
athletes
.
On the other hand
, I believe that it can endanger
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual
health
 and cause
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the public
nation
Replace the word
national
show examples
health
 system. First of all, the issue of
obesity
 will increase. As the residents
lacks
Change the verb form
lack
show examples
 the
awreness
Correct your spelling
awareness
 of remaining
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 by doing exercise,
therefore
, it can lead to the result of increasing
obesity
 rate.
Furthermore
, unawareness of
obesity
 will cause
heavy
Add an article
a heavy
show examples
 medical burden. People have more
health
 issues, and
as a result
, the national medical system will face the incoming heavy burden. In conclusion, I believe that focusing on the establishment of
elite
athletes
 specialized
facilities
Rephrase
rather
show examples
then
 the public
facilities
 for residents has more negative impacts, as it can lead to those two issues: the increase of
obesity
 rate and heavy medical burden.
Submitted by cuggikem on

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Language accuracy
Be careful with your spelling (e.g., 'awreness' should be 'awareness', 'endanger' should be 'endangering') and grammatical accuracy, as small errors can slightly distract from the clarity of your arguments.
Developing arguments
Try to expand your ideas with more detailed examples. While you've provided reasons, adding specific, real-world examples could strengthen your arguments.
Balanced argument
Consider balancing your essay by discussing more positive aspects in depth to provide a fair comparison, as the prompt asks for a discussion of both positive and negative development.
Structure
Your essay structure is clear, making it easy to follow your argument.
Understanding prompt
You have made a good attempt to address the prompt by presenting both views, which reflects an understanding of the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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