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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many cities, problems related to overpopulation are becoming more common. Some governments are now encouraging businesses and individuals to move out of cities to rural areas. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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One of the most prevalent trends in
this
Linking Words
 contemporary world is
migration
Add an article
the migration
a migration
show examples
 of
majority
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the majority
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 towards cities from rural
areas
Use synonyms
 as they feel that they can get more facilities in cities as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to regional
areas
Use synonyms
.
While
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 it is possible to claim that
people
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 enjoy more
praceful
Correct your spelling
peaceful
 days in villages as
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the hustle and bustle of
city
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the city
show examples
, my view is that
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 outweigh the drawbacks. In
this
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eassy
Correct your spelling
essay
easy
, I will examine both sides of the argument.
To begin
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 with, there are
number
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a number
the number
show examples
 of
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why I support that
people
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 have
good
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a good
show examples
 life in rural
areas
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.
First
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The first
show examples
 and foremost reason is that
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
 can enjoy more time in rural
areas
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 as they will not stuck in traffic
while
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 commuting to work or
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
home from
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
In addition
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,
public
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the public
show examples
 can have
access
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 to fresh eatables as they can grow fruits and vegetables in their own houses because
land
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the land
show examples
 is cheaper in regional
areas
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 as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to metropolitan
areas
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. There will be
less
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fewer
show examples
 patients in rural
areas
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 as the
people
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 will have
access
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 to fresh food, air and water.
For instance
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, Tasmania is
world's
Correct article usage
the world's
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 only state where one can inhale
purest
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the purest
show examples
 form of oxygen as
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to all over the world.
Therefore
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, the governments are encouraging
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 to move out of cities as it will give
access
Use synonyms
 to more jobs to citizens of
countryside
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the countryside
show examples
.
Furthermore
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, it can be taken into account that inhabitants have
less
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fewer
show examples
 amenities in
country
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a country
the country
show examples
 area.
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Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, many
people
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 have challenged
this
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 claim on the
ground
Fix the agreement mistake
grounds
show examples
 that their kids do not get enough
access
Use synonyms
 to good education in schools. Students do not get sports classes and cannot obtain other recreational activities
due to
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 less competition.
As a result
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,
sometime
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 they feel that it is not good to live in
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
.
While
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 there are compelling arguments on both sides, my personal sentiments are on
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
par with the idea that if ministers want the population to move to
regional
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a regional
show examples
 area, they should open schools and universities first in that area so that students can get quality education and in
turn
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turn,
show examples
 it will
also
Linking Words
 increase the employment opportunities for the public.

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task achievement
Make sure your essay stays on topic throughout, addressing the advantages and disadvantages directly without veering off into unrelated areas.
coherence cohesion
For stronger coherence, try to create smoother transitions between paragraphs.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. Your example of Tasmania is good, but additional examples could further strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and clearly define your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure in your essay with separate paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, making your arguments more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overpopulation
  • urban congestion
  • quality of life
  • pollution
  • infrastructure
  • public services
  • economic development
  • job opportunities
  • local economies
  • affordable housing
  • standard of living
  • well-being
  • isolation
  • amenities
  • healthcare
  • education facilities
  • entertainment facilities
  • community ties
  • social networks
  • environmental degradation
  • ecosystems
  • biodiversity
  • development
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