IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that the responsibility is with the government to control the rise in obesity in children, others think the parents are the cause. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, the overweight issue is one of the most famous illnesses
that is
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 a dime a dozen in society. Some proponents deliberately convey that the government must bite the bullet and undoubtedly manage the increase in obesity among teenagers;
in contrast
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, the opponents completely consider that the parents are more responsible for the daunting problem.
This
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 essay is going to articulate both views and provide my personal opinion. On the one hand, there is a statement that the government should inevitably take over unhealthy foods, which are ubiquitous in society. It is a common paradigm that young people long to eat processed meals, which possess lots of sugar in their daily routines
due to
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 an addiction impact.
For instance
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, over 85% of obese patients in a hospital are shared by teenagers,
while
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 others have come across serious surgery.
As a result
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, the official organization, under the nation, has to apply a tough regulation to handle the spread of ready snacks that can possibly generate a detrimental effect.
On the other hand
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, many argue that the parent's behaviour is a main factor in stimulating the issue. It cannot be neglected that mother and father play a vital role in children's behaviours,
such
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 as the way they consume foods or snacks. Uneducated mother must not be aware that they have to provide a superb meal for their children. Case in point, they wisely urge their kids to consume junk food without mulling over the consequences.
Therefore
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, in terms of obesity, the parents can act as a trigger for the problem.
To sum up
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, the government and parents may play an important role in increasing the overweight of young teenagers, who are unable to handle unhealthy food consumption.
However
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, my take on
this
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, society must work together to tackle the issue and attempt to apply a green method.

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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. To enhance task achievement, ensure your examples are more detailed and directly support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to smoothly connect your ideas. Additionally, paragraphing can be improved by keeping each paragraph focused on a single main idea.
Structure
You have provided a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which significantly aids the overall coherence of your essay.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly state the topic and your opinion, which is an excellent practice.
Argument Discussion
You showed an ability to discuss both sides of the argument and included examples to support your points, demonstrating good comprehension of the topic.
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