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Band 7.5

Many people say that the only way to guarantee a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Numerous
people
 argue that the only way to guarantee an excellent occupation is to pursue a course in educational institutions, particularly in college. There are those who claim that there is another choice for having worked after school that can obtain experience in global work. Personally, I partially agree that
people
 who graduate from university always have good jobs. The supporting reasons will be given throughout
this
 essay. On the one hand, there are some crucial reasons why some groups of
people
 succeed in life. The initial matter to be mentioned is capability, and it brings about the profession.
Due to
 the fact that certain workers mostly graduated from university,
as a consequence
, it is possible to guarantee that employers choose them. A clear illustration is that to have a high position, you must have a high degree and profile.
This
 action impacts a variety of job application types, leading to avoiding unemployment.
On the contrary
, despite completing university, there are some arguments that a famous person who never went to college has a sum of salary and various experiences.
However
, it is not the only way to confirm that
people
 who finished college might get a good career. For the reason that I mentioned, Steve Jobs improved innovative technology, particularly in the Apple organization.
Additionally
, he aims to use imagination more than knowledge and using life skills. His capability to be an intelligent person. He figured out the problem by himself and tried to challenge things that rewarded
people
's needs,
such
 as the iPhone, iPad, and others. It contributes to the famous logo of globalization. In conclusion, both views have obviously different results, so
it is clear that
people
 have never been lucky or had special abilities since they were born. As a suggestion, diplomacy from educational institutions might guarantee the status of
people
 and their various choices for themselves.
Submitted by sasinipapj on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all supporting sentences directly relate to it. This will strengthen the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Include a greater variety of linking phrases to enhance the flow of your essay and to connect ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
Expand your response by exploring both views presented in the question more fully. Devoting a paragraph to each perspective, and then expressing your own stance, would offer a balanced discussion.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay for small grammatical errors. Although they do not significantly impact your grade, eliminating these would make your argument clearer and more professional.
task achievement
Good use of relevant examples, such as the mention of Steve Jobs, which strengthens your argument and provides concrete illustrations of your points.
coherence cohesion
Well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This structure helps the reader follow your argument easily.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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