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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

There are some violent cartoon characters on TV, which brings negative influence to children. Do you agree or disagree? What type of TV programmes are suitable for children?

#cartoon #characters #tv #influence #children #type #programmes
In the contemporary era, children watch content on Television which can be intimidating to the young
mind
. I reckon that some
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of broadcasts are not suitable for kids. They should be watching
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
programmes that improve their creativity rather
destroy
Correct word choice
than destroy
show examples
 it.
To begin
 with, the violence demonstrated by the cartoon characters brings various negative effects. The biggest shortcoming is that it decreases the analytical ability. When violence occupies a young
mind
then
 it kills the reasoning power of
mind
Add an article
the mind
show examples
.
For example
, some kids start yelling at their parents or their friends after getting influenced
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 cartoons. They do not think about reasons why they should not be behaving in a certain way, but they just act that way. Many studies suggest that numerous brain cells die because of anger.
This
 leads to the creation of a young generation which does not possess skills that some of their
other
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
peers hold.
Conversely
, kids need to watch shows that promote language development and reasoning abilities.
For instance
, some channels provide foreign language training in a musical way. It could not only entertain them but
also
 teach them in a creative manner.
Consequently
,
a children
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
 can excel in various fields with
such
 kind of training. To illustrate it, Cocomelon is the most popular of all shows which comes in various languages, it makes rhymes for teaching maths and other subjects.
To sum up
, violence has deteriorating effects on
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
mind
 specifically on the intellectual horizon.
This
 can be ameliorated by watching content that
stimuates
Correct your spelling
stimulates
 analytical abilities
such
 as foreign language learning at a young age might change the whole scenario.
Submitted by Kiran on

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Example and Explanation
Make sure your examples are directly linked to the points you're trying to make to strengthen your arguments.
Task Response
In your introduction, directly state your agreement or disagreement to the prompt for a clearer stance.
Language Usage
Try to vary your sentence structure more to enhance the readability and interest of your essay.
Content Development
You've done well in arguing your points by connecting the impact of TV programmes on children's analytical abilities and behaviour.
Constructive Suggestions
Good job in suggesting alternative programmes and explaining how they can positively affect children.
Conclusion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your points and suggests a solution, reinforcing your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effect
  • formative years
  • impressionable
  • emulate
  • aggressive behaviors
  • psychological development
  • creative expression
  • exaggerated scenarios
  • parental guidance
  • cognitive development
  • moral values
  • cultural awareness
  • healthy lifestyle choices
  • emotional intelligence
  • age-appropriate
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